Sunday, December 14, 2014

Admit It

You are not perfect.

Neither am I.

Nor  is anyone for that matter.

The sooner we admit that we are human and that we are faulty and foolish we can move forward.

Our eyes need to be opened to our flaws, chronic mistakes and harmful and idiotic choices. If we can admit our problems-we can face them-then we can work at overcoming them.

We need to admit we are human. We need to realize we are strung together with good intentions and imperfections. We need to embrace our mistakes and shortcomings. We need to admit that we can overcome what has held us back and hurt us by simply identifying our problems.

Admit it, choosing to tackle your demons head on rather than being tormented and teased by them seems like a much better way to spend your time.

Today has been a Sunday Confession with the one, the only, the very talented and cheesy More Than Cheese And Beer. Please stop by the link up and see what everyone else is Admitting today.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Use Your Words: December 12th, 2014

Hello and HAPPY FRIDAY -if you're reading this then you made it to today so huzzah for you!!! (Imagine glitter and streamers magically appearing.) Welcome to December's Use Your Words Challenge!

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them.

Until now. (Dun, dun, dun!)

I’m using: Winter Break ~ White ~ Detergent ~ Crystals ~ Diamonds

They were submitted by: ~Thank you!

At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them.

As I stare out my window and see the murky browns and paling greens of the grass that still dares to show itself in defiance to Mother Nature I find myself missing the glimmering of the snowflakes that appear like diamonds and crystals that usually the winter sun brings by reflecting off the white freshly fallen snow.

This time of year we are normally bombarded with snow and ice and the only green we see are the sturdy pine trees holding up more snow and ice. This year is different and it is a bit unnerving. We have become accustomed to the storms, to the polar vortexes, to being snowed in and slipping and sliding. This reprieve, this delay in our winter has us on edge. We await one massive storm to bury us, to one up every other storm we have ever faced. It has not come yet.

That is life. We tend to wait for the bad; we tend to keep our minds occupied with worry. Instead of focusing on the extended blessing, in this case albeit it confusing and out of place for no snow or ice, we find ourselves preparing ourselves for the next big thing. The next big BAD thing-and how amazing is it much energy we waste by doing so.

There are things we cannot prepare ourselves for, even if we think we know what to expect. Sometimes that next big bad thing is so massive, it knocks us back into confusion, denial and a pain that is riddled with guilt that we cannot just move past. Then other times, it is our lack of reaction, our lack of involvement, our lack of compassion that we scold ourselves so harshly for that we take our own breath away and we feel like we will never breathe comfortably again.

The holidays are not happy for all. It can be an unfortunate time for reflection that brings up all skeletons and any and every pain people have ever endured and begin to overwhelm them. There is a constriction that can creep upon us, that strangles any good and positive feeling. Sometimes, the holiday hold no likeness to the fun and carefree days of winter break we enjoyed as children. They can be full worry and doubt, pain and pressure, guilt and anger and as much as we try to paste on a smile and pretend everything is fine it can eat us alive.The holidays sometimes are when our demons come out and challenge us to a mind-wrestle in ways they have never before. All of our short-comings and failures may come to light and blind us making us forget that they were educational stepping stones for us to build our lives from. We cannot stop pain from seeping into our lives, we cannot easily quit the addiction that is guilt and self-shaming, we cannot shut down our feelings and emotions-or rather we should not. We cannot pick at what time of year we get nostalgic or painfully aware of those we have lost. We cannot stop life-or death for that matter.

I wish there was some way I could make myself and others feel calm, feel refreshed, force myself to wish upon the shooting stars or four leaf clovers for some magical detergent to cleanse our minds that would absolve us from these painful moments. It will l come, eventually, time and experience has taught me that. I just wish it would come a little sooner.

We can however choose how we react. We can choose not to hide our emotions away. We can be real and honest and express ourselves to avoid painful, awkward outbursts. Or embrace the outbursts. We can allow ourselves to feel the pain and anguish or sorrow, and not feel guilty about it. We can embrace our feelings. We can choose to acknowledge that life is not perfect, that it does not go with the flow we want it to, that we may have all the pretty plans we want gorgeously mapped out but life will do what it wants, when it wants, with no remorse.

We should hold no guilt for feeling what we feel. We may need to be reminded that it is okay to feel down, to feel lonely, and to miss the people who meant the most to us. It is a part of life and we have to take it in stride.

Like this unexpected weather we are experiencing, I hope you, like me, attempt to stop trying to prepare for the next bad thing or anticipating things to go back to the way you think it should be. Instead, I hope you enjoy the days you have with those around you, even in the unexpected and awkward moments.

The bad will come, it always does. There is no preparing for it as much as we think we can so let us not give it any more power over us than necessary.

I wish you the best and happiest of moments with those you love this holiday season, but that may not happen, and that is more okay than you know. I wish you strength to deal with memories, overwhelming emotions, irritating relatives and friends, and unexpected emergencies. I wish you peace for the end of this year and that it follows you into the next. I wish you are able to process your emotions in the way you need to-and that if means if you need the help I hope that you are not afraid to ask for it (Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255- Alcoholic Anoymous- Narcotics Anonymous ).

Mainly, I wish you love in everything you deal with, everything you enjoy or mourn, everything you face and battle, I wish that love, patience, and self-acceptance and self-forgivness guides you and keeps you grounded.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts: Baking In A Tornado Spatulas on Parade Follow me home Battered Hope Stacy Sews and Schools The Bergham’s Life Chronicles Evil Joy Speaks Juicebox Confession Eileen’s Perpetually Busy Confessions of a part-time working mom Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Friday, December 5, 2014

Secret Subject Swap: December 5, 2014

Hello and happy Friday!

Welcome, welcome, and welcome to December's Secret Subject Swap! This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

So get comfy, grab your peepers, a snack and a sippy and get ready to read!
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

  Baking In A Tornado

 The Momisodes

Spatulas On Parade

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Stacy Sews and Schools

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles 

Evil Joy Speaks

Juicebox Confession

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Silence of the Mom

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo


My “Secret Subject” is:

As the year comes to a close, we all tend to talk about what things we were grateful for in the past year. Tell us about some thing(s) that you’re actually grateful to have over and done with in the past year,that you hope not to repeat next year.

It was submitted by the amazing Karen from Baking In A Tornado! Thanks Karen 😄                               

Becoming comfortable in my skin.

I do not think it is something I am done and over with as it is a constant battle for me to like myself. To be myself. To do what I want. But everything I am glad I got through, accomplished this year, or started is all due in part or related to finally becoming comfortable in my skin.

This year was the year I decided to begin my blogging journey. I never thought I would ever have enough courage to do so. I never thought I would be able to share my poetry or musings with strangers. I never thought because of blogging I would meet so many wonderful people who I now call friends. I was wrong and so glad I was. I chose to open myself up and put myself out there in a way I never have before.

I kept my writing hidden for most of my life and the first time I showed someone in my life my poetry they loved it. Raved about it.  They flattered me and asked for a copy so I wrote it out (yes by hand in the good olden days of the 90s) and I gave it to them. They even entered it in a contest. And got it published in a book. Under their name. After that and listening to rude people telling me that writing was useless, I gave up a piece of my heart.

Even though writing gave me immense joy, I chose to hide it away. If I wrote, even if I found it particularly funny, insightful or clever, I would berate myself telling myself that it was a waste of time. That no one would ever want to read it. That I was useless. Until fairly recently, I was quite mean to myself. Let me tell you, that is no way to live.

Over the years I have met some amazing people that have countered every self doubt and criticism I have ever brought to light with love and acceptance. They have taught me that I have an amazing worth and helped me build myself back up. They have urged me to do what I want, what I need to do, and to do it without worry, shame, or fear.

So. I began to blog. And share myself. And give zero fucks if people love it or hate it. It is a part of me I refuse to censor anymore.

I cut ties with a toxic relationship. A person can mean the world to you but if they are constantly draining you of your energy, making you feel bad about what you want to do, mocking you and tearing you down there comes a point where you have to say goodbye and move on. Life is too short to accept shit from people that are supposed to be your friends.

This year, this glorious year, I decided I was done pretending to be something I was not-happy with my health. I have not been happy with my weight for a long, long time.

Please do not confuse that with me being unhappy with myself. I have been unhappy and ashamed of myself in the past. That is not what this is. I find myself smart, witty, artistic, and kind. I love myself.

Because I love myself, I am choosing a healthier lifestyle. I still have a long way to go but I started. I finally started. I put off waiting until Monday, or next week, or after the holidays. I sought help. I joined a support group, I have began eating better, working out and consciously making better choices. I am at a plateau right now. I am so close to losing 50 pounds it is teasing and annoying me to no end. I am hoping to meet that goal by the end of the year.

I am grateful that I have started a journey to be a happier me on every level. Spiritually, emotionally and physically I have made progress in becoming a healthier me. It has taken many years to become this person. This person who no longer cares what people think of them. This person that let go of fear and is finding happiness instead. This person who took a chance and has had one of the best years that she can remember in a while.

I am glad I got these things over and done with not only because they were rough or hard to deal with but because they helped me grow. Helped me change. Helped me be who I am.

I woud not want to do any of  this next year because it would mean I lost everything I gained and I refuse to do that.

May this upcoming year be full of adventure, overcoming fears, finding yourself and loving your life.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

The Power Within

A few years ago, I was walking in a city with a few girlfriends when we spotted a homeless man sitting on a bench. He was doing nothing, he just sat there with his belongings, when the girls I was with started in on this tirade about how homeless devalue the community and how they are all lazy, gross and probably addicts.

I was shocked and responded in complete sarcasm stating maybe we should round up the homeless, put them on a bus and ship them elsewhere or put them in some tent cities, when they stopped and in all seriousness agreed and said what a good idea it would be.

I was stunned silent for a moment and had a choice at hand. We were having a nice day and wondered if I really wanted to ruin it. I could just nod my head at a horrendous idea, let them think I was serious and go to dinner.

Or I could be true to myself. I could tell them it was a preposterous suggestion and that the desire to discard another human like trash to brighten up the community would be a crystal clear reflection of their ugly souls and lack of humanity.

We all have an immense power that lives inside us. Sometimes it is buried by fear, by a desire to be accepted, by funny ideals or it can be beaten down by factors in our environment.

That power helps define who we are and who we can be. It is the ability to do, to create, to believe. The capacity to exert your prowess and what you believe in, know and share with those around you. Power is not exclusive to political or authority figure heads. They are after all simply human. People choose to listen to them, choose to vote for them, choose to engage with them and support them because they dare to speak their minds, share what is on their minds and most importantly open a dialogue, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

Power can be abused, it can be overused, people can twist and manipulate others with the promise of power. It can also bring attention to topics that need to be discussed or debated.

We cannot look at and in the world, our world, and see the injustices, inconsistencies, and wrong doings and wonder why nothing changes.

We need to stand up for ourselves and refuse to quiet ourselves. We need to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. We need to advocate and be an activist for what we believe in. We need to be brave and confront the ugly and bad in the world even if that means standing up to our friends and family. It may seem disheartening and impossible, but by simply choosing to open our mouths we may help open their minds.

We need to be able to call on the strength and power that resides within us and rely on it to help us be who we are, without shame. We need to be able to trust it and use it as wisely as we can. We need to be able to recognize our power and what it can do for us and the world around us.

I chose to call upon my inner power that day. And was very unpopular in my views.

But that's okay. It just helped me realize who I was and who they were and that I had the courage and power to say what was in my heart rather than to simply go along with the crowd.

There are too many injustices, too many things we think are wrong with this world, that continue because we simply keep our mouths shut, we turn the other way, or we just nod our heads in false agreement and deny the power we have within to bring about any change.

Today has been a Sunday Confession with the one and only Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer. There are some technical difficulties, so please stop by her Facebook page and see the other brave bloggers who tackled the prompt Power.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Always Be

Always be thankful.
Always be nice.
Always smile.
Always be generous.
Always dress nice.
Always be prepared.
Always say something nice or nothing at all.
Always give the benefit of the doubt.

Although, those are lovely sentiments and goals they are impossible to maintain and it is silly to attempt to. Always is a constant. Always does not fail, it is consistent. It is regular, always shows up every time.

You cannot force yourself to be something every time, every day, at all times. That is wrong, that is unnatural, and impossible.

It is okay to be upset. It is fine to embrace resting bitch face. There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind or confronting those who have made your life difficult.

It is okay to lose your shit at times.Not all the time and you cannot live there but it is okay to feel overwhelmed with what life throws at you and react accordingly or not so accordingly.

Following a mold of how a person 'should act' will not help you be the person you are meant to be. It simply means you are giving up the parts of you that make you genuine. The goofy parts, the forgivable parts, the mistakes that help you learn valuable lessons in life. Sometimes you will not know how to react, you will not and cannot be prepared for the things that happen in your life, that is when you improvise, when you learn a new way, when you find out what works for you.

You are human. You are a growing, changing, evolving, real human who feels a myriad of emotions while experiencing this scary, exciting, painful and joyful world and cannot be expected to act in one manner at all times.

Just be you. As dorky and cliched as it sounds, be you. Be funny, be silly, have your bad days, cry when you're sad, be bright, laugh too loud, burp when you need to, be mad at those who hurt you and forgive in your own time-if the act is forgivable to you.

Just do not give in to some silly notion that you must act a certain way, talk a certain way, edit or censor yourself so that you may conform to a ridiculous standard in this lifetime.

Whatever the day brings, wherever the occasion, always be you. Experiencing life any other way is torture.

This has been a Sunday Confession with the one and only Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer. Please stop by the link-up and check out her hilarious confession of Always, and see how the other bloggers who joined in today interpreted the prompt. Happy Sunday all.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Write On?

Life is about ideas bursting forward.

Creativity being called out from the depths of despairity to bring light to life. About possibility. Sometimes this creative power catches like a fire and burns through our souls and like an hot ember flies away until it can burn itself deeply into someone else's heart. And it continues until a forest fire is raging, ravaging and destroying anything in its path just so we can absorb its terrifying power and beauty.

Other times, the flame barely flickers before it blows itself out.

Rejection is part of a writers life.

We regret to inform you...

At this time we are not accepting submissions...

Please try again at a later time...

You accept the rejection, in a weird way it almost serves as a badge of honor. Getting a rejection letter makes you feel part of the club, part of a small world, it makes you feel like you are so close to becoming who you think you really are.

I cannot speak for every writer but for me rejection challenges me. It mocks me. It forces me to keep going, to write more, to proofread twice, to ignore mundane words and cliched storylines. It fuels me when I want to stop.

But, it sucks too.

I know rejection is not personal, but it feels personal and for a person that trusts her feelings, it gets hard to ignore them.

What is worse is when your writing finally gets accepted, when someone validates your writing then for unforseen circumstances you are informed that your writing will not be published because the project was canceled.

Which that happens.

But it sucks.

I had a hard time bringing myself to tell people that I would not be published after all, that it did not work out. I felt so foolish. I felt like I had somehow deceived them or worse, myself, in believing I was someone worth reading when in reality I was not.

Moments, like being almost published then not, make me want to stop writing at times. Take a moment to reevaluate if me devoting a lot of my spare time to scribbling, typing and staying up late to get in a few good edits and rewrites in are worth it. I wonder if challenges like NaNoWriMo is worth it and if I should continue.

I wonder if there is anything valuable in my writing or if getting published is ever going to happen. Maybe it is like a slapstick comedy where one person leaves the room as the other walks in and they are searching for one another and it continues for a while then they finally collide when they are about to give up.

Maybe I just haven't found my collision yet.

I am one of those late bloomers, one of the shy ones, one of the silly ones who looked at her talent and said, but someone else is better.

It took me a long time to realize there will always be someone better. But that does not discount or discredit any value or worth that I have of my own. That does not mean any idea, poem, story or art I create is worthless. It does not matter if someone is published, awarded, adored or distinguished-that is for their art not mine.  If we have the itch to create, to put some of our soul, a little of our ingenuity, a lot of our time, into this world, into our art we have no time to compare ourself to others.

We only have time to respond to that itch, to subdue it by scratching it with writing our hearts out, singing our souls away, drawing until our fingers hurt, because that is what you deserve. That is what your art deserves.

You may think that you bring your art to life with your talents, but the reality is, it brings you to life. It creates and calms the demons that rage inside our souls. It brings a piece of ourselves out to be examined thoroughly and if we do not like it, we are forced to change it. We must strive for our form of perfection, even in its clumsy appearances. We must accept the challenge that the art that burns inside us throws down, we must reach down, deep down pick it up and give it all we have.

Or we are frauds. We are fakes if we deny ourselves the time to create.  If we turn our backs on art, we simply will amble through life feeling unfufilled and continually searching for something to fill the hole.

When we have the ability to create art that would happily fill holes the size of the Grand Canyon.

I cannot worry about what happened and what can or will not happen. I have to focus on writing, and listening to that little voice that tells me to keep going, to keep creating. I need to say goodbye to that girl who was too afraid to put herself out there and embrace the woman who uses rejection as fuel and sees ill-timed projects as an unknown blessing.

I don't know if it will get me anywhere, if I will ever be published but I damn well know it will never happen if I give up.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Quietly and Quite Quickly Life Happens


It is the only accurate speed to explain how our lives progress. Even in the moments that seem slow and horrifying the universe is rapidly and unapologeticly rushing past us bringing our short days to an end.

And there is nothing we can do about it.

Accurate and shocking statistic but 100 percent of people born will die. It is a truth that many have an issue grasping, fully understanding and coping with but it is inevitable. If we truly embraced that fact, it could help shape our lives in the most amazing ways.

We attempt to delude ourselves that we have time, that we will make time, that we can multitask and make the most of our time. Did you know multitasking, real multitasking, is believed to be a myth in the scientific community? What we are actually doing when we multitask is just switching to another task in front of us. We are not doing both at the same time. Think of when you try to write an email and hold a conversation with somebody. Often times you stop typing to talk or your conversation comes to a halt because you are focusing on what you are writing. Which is normal.

Neuroscientists have researched and found that the reason we cannot truly multitask is because our brain needs to focus at the task at hand and cannot divide its attention to other things. It cannot handle the interference, so the frontal lobe switches to other tasks that need to be done.

I know, it is somewhat off-putting and upsetting that we think we are being proactive and in the end it does not matter, we cannot squeeze more time out of time. What we get is what we get, there is no changing that.

But we are forgetting that we already know how this story will unfold.

We. Will. Die.

We may not know exactly how or when but embracing that little tidbit can make our lives so much easier. Instead of waiting for that elusive someday to be the person we want to be, to do the things we want to do, it can help us experience and enjoy life to its fullest right here and right now.

I admit, I am attempting to take these words to heart. I am still in the process of learning to accept joy into my life and loving myself. I am writing and reading them and trying to drill them in my head that we do not have infinite time. We are not immortal. We must not be afraid.

I am thirty years old and that boggles my mind. I do not know how that is possible since it feels like I was just in high school a couple years ago. I have been with my husband for thirteen years somehow even though it feels like we just started dating. When I catch my mom in the right light and her silver strands of hair twinkle at me it takes my breath away. I do not remember growing older or life rushing by so fast. One day we are wondering what it is going to be like to be an adult and the next we are wondering where our.childhood went.

There are days I wake up early, get ready for work and take time to apply make up, specifically bright red lipstick. I outline my lips, apply, blot, check my teeth and go on my merry way. Then after ten minutes, I brusquely walk back in the bathroom and wipe it all off and hope that one day I will be comfortable with myself to wear it.Because of silliness, because of insecurity, because of fear really. Fear someone will notice and think I'm trying to look better. Fear someone will compliment me. Fear that someone will confront me and ask me why.

Why is that even a fear of mine to wear bright red lipstick and have someone ask why I am wearing it?

I believe we should never have to explain our choices to others but in a simple case like this, all I would have to do is summon my courage and say because I want to.

Because life is too damn short not to wear the pretty and shiny things.

That's it. Simple and sweet.

I have gotten better at other things and am working on my hang ups. I write more, I share more, I challenge myself to say what is on my mind and try new things. I hope to be really old and wise one day and I have heard that only comes with being young and dumb so I'm trying to learn and taste the world as much as I can.

Too many times I have missed opportunities to do what I wanted to do due to fear. Too many times someone I loved has suddenly left this world and I felt I did not properly explain my love for them.

Maybe it is not make up for you. 

Maybe it's a break or vacation you want to take, an apology you need to make, a  hobby you want to try or words you need to get off our chest. But you haven't done it because you are waiting for the "right time".

There is no right or wrong time, there is only time that is speeding by us so we must use it appropriately.

Time is one of the most valuable things in this life. We must spend it on ourselves doing what we want to do. We must appreciate that and spend it on those who bring light and life into our worlds otherwise we are wasting it.

We have to be willing to see that even though our time will speed by quickly, that it will be up before we want it to, that we can still make the most of it.

If you think you are too old or dumb to do something you are. You need to support yourself and believe you can do it, if you talk yourself down you will get nowhere. If your fear is that it will take too long, remember the time will pass anyway and what better way is there to spend time than working towards one of your goals?

We need to be comfortable enough with ourselves and our dreams and desires to do what we want. To be who we are and who we want to be. If we do not like something about ourselves or our lives we must be brave to seek out and use the instruments around us to change ourselves.

Wishing for a different life, for dreams to come true, for people to simply read your mind and know you are feeling is not going to happen. But finding that courage within yourself to be brave to conquer your world and do what you want is possible, you just have to stop putting it off to a someday that will never come and commit yourself to act in the here and now.

Todays blog is a Sunday Confession with the one and only Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer. Please stop by the link up and check out her page and the other brave bloggers who tackled the prompt quick and see where it took them.