Friday, March 18, 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Yeah...thanks I am going to pass on that.
No seriously. I don't need cheering up. I need time to sort and sift through the shattering of a life I am not sure I have ever fully embraced. If you want to get me back to being me or help me find the real me then you are going to have to let me cut myself on the fragmented pretty parts of my life that have splintered into unrecognizable elements that had neatly been compartmentalized for too long before I can suture them up with hope for a better reality.
I can handle your cheering, your support, your encouragement to 'get better', but please understand I do not need a weak attempt at 'lightening my mood'. I need to be me.
It is not that I do not appreciate your short-sighted, shallow attempt to fix a bigger problem that is raging inside my soul, but I kind of have this feeling that I should probably work through the feelings that are eating away at my will to simply exist in this world.
No, I get it. You want to see me smile. You want hear me crack jokes and make inappropriate innuendos. You want to see me participate and get back to being the old me that held tightly to the illusion that everything would be fine if I kept trudging along with my head down. You want me to make you feel less uncomfortable by pretending to be something that I am not.
However, I am not willing to do that anymore.
My soul has been awakened to what was, what is, and what could be-and I cannot go back to merely surviving in this world. I want to live. Really live.
It hurts to be awake. But the hurt does not last forever. Regret does, though, and I refuse to participate in my life by making conscious decisions that I will regret.
So when you say you want to cheer me up? Every damn time babe, I am going to tell you no and not so respectfully, if need be, because I need to respect myself by being real to me.
There is nothing wrong with this darkness that my little light has permeated. There is nothing wrong with not feeling up to putting on a facade for other people's comfort. There is nothing wrong with being level with the Dead Sea in my journey at this point in my life. It is a low point. And I am okay with that. Eventually, I am going to make it to my summit. I am going to climb the shit out of my own Everest and scream with only the joy that lungs of victory and strained sinew can enunciate ever so clearly.
But in the meantime, I am going to be here, in the muck, in the mire, in the darkness, trekking, fully aware of my surroundings, refusing to ignore them anymore.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
The girl who used to say yes to everything. Seriously, to everything. Yes, even that.
If it made someone else happy, I would eagerly agree, trading my wants for their smiles believing their happiness was worth more than...well my worth. I felt indebted to others. Indebted because they simply allowed me into their worlds, their lives, their existence on this crazy bluish-green marble swirling around this universe.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I forgot that this world was mine as well, that every inch my feet claimed for their own was not a misstep, that I actually belonged where I stood. So, I did what many others do, I overcompensated. I tried to prove my worth, I tried to show I belonged, I tried to create the illusion that I was irreplaceable.
Life has a funny way of reminding you, though, that everyone is replaceable.
Could I babysit? Yes.
Could I loan them money? Yes.
Could I volunteer? Yes.
Could I raise money for another fundraiser? Yes.
Would I be on a new committee? Yes.
Would I help make crafts? Yes.
Would I stop and take a moment, just one damn moment, to myself to enjoy my world? No.
I was too busy saying yes to participate in my own life. Work. Volunteer. Donate. Outing. Work. Crafts. Helping others. Volunteering. Maybe sleep. That was repeated until I no longer remembered what downtime was, what I liked to do, or why the hell I was saying yes in the first place. It was a knee-jerk reaction, if someone asked me for something I said yes. No matter how much it put me out-I did it with a smile on my face, because I should have been lucky enough to be trusted with that responsibility.
^What kind of crap is that? Unacceptable crap-that's what.
Saying yes did not make me happier. It did not make me kinder. It did not make me more loving. Staying that busy saying yes to allthethings, simply distracted me from my life and things I wanted and needed to do.
These days I hesitate if asked to do something. I deliberate and choose what events to get involved with, I pause before jumping in, I weigh if I truly want to do an activity or feel if I should do it simply because of some imaginary inadequacies that can fill my heart and plague my head at times.
Saying no is not rude. Saying no is not mean. Saying yes and stretching yourself way too thin is rude to yourself and those you pledged your commitments to. Saying yes because you do not think you are worthy of someone's company is devaluing and demeaning yourself. Saying yes when you want to say no and forging along with a sour heart and disposition is wrong.
When I say no, I am not saying no to your event. I am not saying no because I do not have time for you. I am not saying no because I am being stuck up and have better things to do. I am not saying no because I am mad at you.
I am saying no because too many times I said yes to strangers masked as friends who willingly and brilliantly took advantage of my giving soul.
I am saying no because I like the way it feels coming out of my mouth.
I am saying no because I do not have to prove myself to anyone.
I am saying no because my worth, your love for me, and my self-esteem should not hinge on me placating you with a plastic sycophantic smile plastered on my face to please you.
I am saying no because I want to.
I am saying no because it is a complete sentence. I do not need to justify, explain or legitimize why I am not doing it to anyone, at any time.
Really, I am saying no because saying it is okay.
And because by saying no to the things I do not want to do, I am finally saying yes to my desires, my dreams, and to my amazing self.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
"New Year, New Me" bullshit? Nah, I like the old you. The old you has learned and evolved and it has got you this far in life. And it smells like macaroni and febreeze. But here's a few things to remember when crossing that threshold into a new year.
You will never be everything to anyone. If someone says you are their *everything* back away slowly because they are either lying or delusional.
You are not a half. You are a whole being that deserves to love themselves for who they are, what they want, and where they want to go in life.
You are not sorry. You do not need to constantly apologize for speaking up, for being different, for offering another perspective, for craving alone time, or liking what you like. You are only guaranteed so many breaths a lifetime do not waste them saying sorry for things you enjoy.
You are not a dump. You do not need to accept any kind of trash, toxicity, garbage or anything foul from anyone-including yourself. Accept what will help grow you into a content and healthy person in your emotional, spiritual and physical self-and leave the rest behind.
You live in the now. Keep your memories, your mementos, whatever puts a smile on your face but don't give up today's happiness while searching for a perfect day that never happened in the past.
You do not need this new year to become who you want to be. You just have to be a little brave. You have to remember that moving forward into the unknown is better than getting stuck in the comfort of the dead past. You can do it now or in five months or two years. Whenever you are ready to embrace yourself and live life fully you are ready for change. It is not selfish to enjoy time with yourself, by yourself. You are your longest friend, it's healthy to invest in that friendship. It is not being selfish to remove hazardous-to-your health people from your life. That is self-preservation and healthy. It is not selfish to try new things to be unabashed for your opinions. That is self-love.
I cannot promise you or tell you how this new year will go. I do know there will be pain and confusion. Heartache and relationships lost. There will be tough times. But there will be good too. Even when it is super hard to find. There will be kind people and loving hugs, good music and new adventures, shattered misconceptions and growth.
Do not fear bringing you-the true you-into the new day, the New Year, the future, into the light for all to see. Fear living a life where you are not comfortable existing and cannot do or say what you want out of a silly fear of what people will think.
Why are you still reading this? You know you best, so go. Do something that makes your soul happy. Don't get lost reading in between the lines and lose sight of the story that is waiting to unfold in front of you.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Southern Belle Charm Rena’s World
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
The Bergham Chronicles
Never Ever Give Up Hope
The Angrivated Mom