Sunday, August 23, 2015

Panting To A Better Me

I run.

Well, I jog. Barely. But I do it. For 45 minutes at least 3 times a week if not more. When I step off the treadmill, I still shake and pant like I did on day one.

Difference between now and day 1 is that even though I pant, even though I still sweat profusely, even though I hate it still, I have grown because of it and worked up an endurance that I thought I would never have. 

There are some aspects of my life I cannot control. I would like to control them very much but it will never happen. It is frustrating, maddening and unchangeable. It is what it is. 

Me? I can change me. I can go to the gym, put on my headphones and listen to Janis serenade me as I meet my personal best. I can watch my weight get lower and parts become toner.  I can continue to go to therapy and delve into the darkness that plagues me with someone who cares and works with me to make it manageable and better. Every time I do these things, I end up bent over panting because it's exhausting, life changing and exciting.

And, I'll keep doing it.

Because I know with these changes I know I can love myself a little more. Accept myself and my body as it is and as I make these physical, mental and spiritual  transformations. 


Today has been a Sunday Confession with the one and only More Than Cheese And Beer about'pant'. If you have a blog to link up on 'pant' please head over to 
More Than Cheese And Beer  (link below) to do so.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Square Peg Needs No Hole

Last night, I went to a burlesque show. It was beautiful, goofy and graceful. Not one of the gorgeous women performing on stage fit the 'typical' mold of 'beauty'. That's because they refused to squish themselves into a predestined damn small circle that today's beauty attempts to be defined by society. They shimmied and sauntered all over the damn stage, owning every inch of their squareness and with every movement, flick and twitch they held the audience captive with their courageous confidence by being themselves and making no apologies for it.

And for the first time in a long time, I was jealous.

Not of their beauty, not of their dance moves, not of their lingerie, although every bit was unique and sensational.

I was jealous because these stand out women were confident in who they were and what they were doing. They did not care that they were not the 'definition' of pretty or petite. They were square pegs proudly displaying themselves for all to see with no shame in this very round world.

 As a square peg once desiring to fit into a round hole, a very square, wide peg who cannot find out how to fit into the slim round hole, I found this fascinating and uplifting.

Unfortunately, for too long, this square peg did not realize why she even wanted to fit into that slender, much sought after spherical hole. I thought I needed to, that I was expected to, that if I didn't fit, squish, or force myself into that pretty, round hole I was not living up to all that I should be. I am not sure where this asinine thought process has came from, where it has evolved from...but it has and it has clouded my vision of myself and caused friction with others. Anytime someone has offered me a compliment, genuine or not, I shoot them down. Callously and immediately, I make sure to inform them I am in no way shape or form deserving of compliments or kudos.

Unflinchingly I dismissed their praise and love. Although, I truly believed...believe...I am not worthy of any kind of recognition it took me a while to realize not only was I further battering myself down into the ground, but I was calling my friends and family liars. If anyone I complimented tore themselves down even a quarter of the way I would debate with them until they could see their wonderful attributes, contributions or beauty.

Square pegs can sometimes spend so much time outside of that damn round hole that it forces them to wonder if they will fit in anywhere.  It might take some time but eventually they will realize they do not need to fit in anywhere that forces them to change their true shape. They stand sturdy and well enough on their own.

One day, maybe and that's a really big maybe, I'll be brave enough to do burlesque or wear sexy outfits just because I want to. More importantly, I am working on embracing my squareness and remembering that I have to fit into no predestined mold.


Today has been a Sunday Confession with the one and only More Than Cheese And Beer  about squares. If you would like to join in the link up with a blog of your own please do so at the linkup.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Use Your Words: August 14th, 2015

Hello and happiest of Friday's to you. Today's post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words.

That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

My words are:

Stitch ~ challenge ~ close ~ question ~ absolutely not

They were submitted by:              

Thanks Carol!

At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 

                        * * *

There was never a question in her mind about the company she chose to keep. Her friends and lovers were fierce and fabulous. They gave no second thoughts to the words they let fall out of their mouth...well nothing fell out of their mouths. The words they chose to say were clearly and specifically enunciated and they had no regrets on whatever different or offensive views they held or spouted.

It was a challenge for her to be close to these fabulous friends. She felt, as she always did, that she did not fit in. She was not worthy in her mind to be surrounded by funny, beautiful souls that could make her laugh with an arch of an eyebrow or the driest sarcastic quip about something in the news. When she was with them, she felt alive, she felt relevant, she felt some semblance of normalcy and it made her feel uncomfortable in ways she could not properly articulate.

They weren't perfect. She was under no illusion to buy that line of bull. She saw them for what they were-beautiful. They were flawed, mistaken, wrong more so than right, loud, and silly. But did that mean they weren't the best people to be around? Absolutely not. They were honest about their shortcomings and learned from them. They made no excuses for who they weren't but rather embraced who they were. They lived and loved in the moment, urging her to move past the dark cloud of self-doubt that always plagued her. Promising her that if she was brave enough to take their hands, even with her shaky sweaty palms, it would be so worth it.

Still, she hesitated.

She always did.

She was broken. Stitched together by memories and mistakes, misnamed and misplaced by herself and others, she feared, as she always did, that one day they would see her clearly. Their eyes would adjust to the light, they would squint and tilt their heads just right and in unison they would mumur and agree, she wasn't worth it.

When it came to others it was so easy for her to see that the cracks they had simply allowed the light to shine in.  But she knew better, for they were lined with stained glass shrines and any light that permeated them would transform them into a piece of art.  She, however, was lined with broken fun house mirrors, distorting reality and forcing the bright and blinding light back out through her cracks.

At least, she thought, when that happened she could at be a light for others even if she was lost in the darkness.

                         * * *

Please stop by these other wonderful bloggers and see how they crafted a post off the words they were given:

Baking In A Tornado

Spatulas on Parade

The Momisodes

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Stacy Sews and Schools

Southern Belle Charm

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

Never Ever Give Up Hope

Confessions of a part-time working mom

The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver 

Searching for Sanity


Juicebox Confession

Cluttered Genius

The Angrivated Mom

Monday, August 10, 2015

Blog With Friends: Beat The Heat

Hello and happy August! I do hope today finds you in good spirits. As you know, the summer heat can easily get to us all so that's why a few of us have gotten together to show you how you can beat the heat this year.

The summertime heat, albeit nice and relaxing, can get to some scorching temperatures. While we know that we should go inside and drink lots of fluids and flip on the air conditioner we need to remember we also are our pets advocates.
Keeping the following tips handy will not only keep your furbabies cool and happy but give you the peace of mind you need during the unbearable heat.

1.)  If you are hot-they are hot. If you are seeking shelter and trying to get out of the heat your pets will should too.

2.) Make sure your pet has enough shade and water. Whenever your pet baby is outside, make sure they have enough fresh, cold water. You can add ice to their water as well. Providing shade can help pets cool off too. If there is not much tree shade in your yard that is okay, you can string up a small tarp to provide some shade for your pet. Tree shade and tarps are great for pets as they provide air flow.

3.) Limit Exercise/Exertion on hot days. On those really hot days, limit exercise to early morning or evening hours. Pavement/asphalt tends to get very hot and can actually burn your pet's paws, so walk your dog on the grass if possible.

4.) Give them cool treats. Freeze low sodium chicken broth in ice cube trays or dole out a small dish of vanilla ice cream for your pets. This is not harmful to them and is a nice treat to keep them cool.

5.) Don't leave them in a hot car. Pets die every year with the windows down because cars turn into furnaces in the heat.

Please check out these other sweet tips my fellow bloggers have for you to keep you the coolest!

The Lieber Family

Friday, August 7, 2015

Secret Subject Swap: August 7th, 2015

Hello and Happy Friday!

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 16 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

My “Secret Subject” is: 

Do you remember a time when you finally mastered a new skill? What was the skill, and how did you feel when you finally perfected it?

It was submitted by: you!            
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:                          Baking In A Tornado                                          The Momisodes         The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                 Stacy Sews and Schools                            Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                  Spatulas on Parade                        Southern Belle Charm                       Never Ever Give Up Hope                                 Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                    Silence of the Mom                      Someone Else’s Genius Confessions of a part-time working mom                The Angrivated Mom      More Than Cheese and Beer                     Searching for Sanity                           Climaxed

A new skill that I have mastered? Oh there are so many.

Like the time I finally mastered my ninja skills...or not falling down drunk, or the time I became a salsa champion or perhaps simply became brave enough to get on the dance floor....oh I know, the time I was competent enough to perform a gymnastic routine in front of all my friends and family or...a few somersaults amidst loved ones.

Skills? Okay, I might not have a ton I have "mastered". I am more of a jill of all trades. I do a little of this a little of that and I am happy with that. There are things I have become weirdly comfortable with over the years, that may not necessarily fall under the category of a 'skill or technique' but I feel have helped me grow as a person and has improved my quality of life.

The most important habit, skill, ability I have become proficient in, is not giving a shit. 

Now, does that mean that I care about nothing? No, definitely not! It simply means I carefully choose what I invest my time and energy into. There are so many things in this world that seemingly exist to drain us of our happiness and peace that there comes a time we must put our foot down and declare, that we will not be treated like shit, we will not take shit, we are the shit and we will not give a shit about those who try to ruin our day.

Life, albeit beautiful and magical, is exhausting. There are personal and public battles we must face, internal turmoils we project onto others to protect our hearts, and the ridiculous tiring notion that we somehow believe that we must prove or defend our actions, our wants, our desires-ourselves-to others. The flaw with that though? The people in our lives who truly love and accept us will love us through our worst times. They may not agree with us, they may not support us, but they'll love us and not demand that we change or alter ourselves. If we truly need help, they'll be by our side. How rare and amazing it is to have those kind of people that we can share our darkness, our problems, our struggles with and still have them by us. 

If you are in a position where you are in a low in life, a muddy spot if you will, and you have people willing to get dirty helping you out of the quagmire you somehow got yourself into-why the hell would you give two shits on what someone on the outside thinks about you or where you are in life?

You should not. 

You should be focusing on the outstretched hand that's been trying to pull you out of the mess you're in, the one that will towel dry you off, the one that's not afraid to shake some sense into yout-that's what matters-not simple peoples quick snap judgments from afar of your life that they know nothing about.

Not giving a shit has helped me become comfortable in who I am. It has helped me embrace my geek, wholeheartedly and unabashedly. It has helped fuel me to pursue what makes my heart happy whether or not anyone else approves. I find nowadays I may read too much, hug really hard, let my nerd and freak flag fly, laugh too loud, sing obnoxiously and atrociously, become attached too soon, cry at the drop of the hat, give you the shirt off my back and probably trust people even after they prove I shouldn't. I don't keep my mouth shut, annoyingly and frequently question anything that peaks my interest, stare at the clouds *maybe* a smidgen too much and skip the how are you formalities in conversations and dive right into the weird science article I just read about.

Worrying or wondering what so and so will say or think about my choices will only hinder me. I may not be able to break dance amazingly or play the violin to nary a dry eye in a packed house, I certainly cannot woodwork to save my life and mechanics is not my thing. But being me? I am finally getting the hang of it. Not...all the time but I'm getting there. Embracing who I am and mastering the skill of not caring about the opinion of others has helped me focus on what would be best for me and my family and it has been the best skill I have ever learned in my life.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Use Your Words: July 17th, 2015

Hello and Happy Friday!

This was supposed to post at 10:00 a.m. today…however, life had other plans, so now it's coming to you a little late. Forgive its tardiness but loves its content…that’s all I ask. ;)

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.

 At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 

I’m using:             Greedy ~ crystal ~ light of day ~ chalk ~ bean ~ promote

They were submitted by:                            

I have a pair of women I know, who I cherish immensely. I find them to be strong, independent, knowledgeable and honestly, ass kickers who take no shit from anyone. I appreciate that in people-women or men. To be able to stand up for yourself and others is admirable and though I hesitate to say rare, I daresay I will settle with 'rarely seen' in today's world.  I chalk that up to people wanting to live in their own little bubbles, wanting to respect their personal spaces, to not interfere or face consequences of extending a hand or 'intruding'. Truly, I get it.

These ladies, these amazing ladies, threw me off a week or so ago, when they were looking at pictures of models and they were commenting, "Oh, she's a slut", "She's nasty", "That’s a slutty outfit", based off the outfits they were wearing.

I still love them. I do. My job is not to judge. No one has the right (or time really) to judge. I may not like what they were saying about these models, but I cannot dislike them for their opinion.

But I also did not have to keep my mouth shut or agree with their opinions.

It was crystal clear that they were not fans of what the women were wearing. I looked at what they were scrolling through and could find nothing wrong with the outfits or what would warrant calling anyone a 'derogatory' name. I would not even know if I would consider 'slut' a derogatory name, but that is another debate for another day. Bravely, or so I thought since it takes me a lot to voice my opinion if it is different than that of people I adore, I stated I saw nothing abhorrent about the clothes to disgusted sighs.  I went as far as to say I would wear some of the outfits if I was more comfortable with my body. I said it didn’t matter what people wore, it matters what is in the inside.

I know, just  like an after school special I have to be dorky and painfully obvious that we should all be nice to each other and what is most important is our character not our outward appearances. Deal with it. They rebutted with the 'fact' that men are easily tempted because that is how they were 'created' and that there was just a truth that people are judged automatically based on what they are wearing. I was flabbergasted and after a quick exchange I dropped it. It was easier to let it go for me. I enjoy these women, love them even, and honestly just did not have the energy that day to get all feisty and worked up.

Luckily, for you, I am a little feistier as I type this. First of all, if a man is 'tempted' by a woman's wardrobe because of the way God created them, shouldn’t we also factor in the 'fact' that men were given 'free will' to make decisions? Does a woman wearing 'provocative' clothing warrant being called a mean name? Do they then deserved to be raped or mauled because they 'provoked' the attack? Or is that just a silly thought process….or not so much since a lot of people use that to defend molesters and rapists. She was wearing a short dress, she was out too late, she was asking for it…or she was a fucking woman and you are a beast who doesn’t deserve to be around humans. When is it okay to start judging one another? Is there an age limit? Can we judge the clothing children wore who 'tempted' pedophiles because they were wearing something slutty? Or once again, can we realize what a sad line of bullshit that truly is that we use to protect the perpetrators and vilify the attacked?  Secondly, oh yes, there is a secondly, why do we accept that it is natural to judge someone based on appearances immediately but not the fact that we can then CHOOSE to form an educated opinion on them after our initial judgment? I don’t know how many times I sat and stared at someone picking apart what they were wearing or eating or whatevering only to be caught off guard by a smile when they glanced up at me and immediately my perception changed.  A judgment can indeed be changed. We just have to change our mindset to open instead of closed.
Okay, okay, I am done. I had to get it out.

Maybe I am a bitch for writing this…maybe this a passive aggressive rant that has been festering in my soul for a while…maybe I am just a slut at heart and think other people have the rights to be sluts too.

Or maybe, I just don’t give a damn what people wear. Maybe I have been judged based on my shitty clothes I had growing up that we got from church donation piles, maybe I have been judged because my hair was hideous after getting chopped off at home because we didn’t have money for professional haircuts-that shit was fancy. Maybe I have been called a whale, an orka, a blimp, by loved ones, not really strangers too much, a little too much. Maybe, just maybe, because I was never judged to my face when I traded a piece of my soul for some sanity in the arms of other people in a false attempt to find love, I developed an understanding that life is more than what meets the eye.

Too many years, I found truth in the lies that other believed about me and my skin. My fatness, my unattractiveness, my provocativeness, my whateverness-I believed the one second evaluation they made of me when they rolled their eyes or wrinkled their nose in disgust at me. I felt I had to change; I had to be better, do better, and try to please any and every one. You probably already know what I found out? That it was damn impossible. There is always going to be someone who does not like you simply because you eat your beans a weird way or because you dare to show your face in the light of day. And it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their issues, their beliefs, their ugliness they are battling on the inside.

We have the right to be greedy and recognize we are not one dimensional. We are many, many, many things.

We are more than our clothes. We are more than our skin. We are more than the illusions that others create about us. We are a mess of skin, sinew, muscle, and fat, beautifully bent and blemished, made of star stuff, high hopes and broken dreams, simply stated we can be serious, scathing and sweet, troubled and transparent…we cannot easily be defined by our hairstyles, our wardrobes, our outward appearances. We are complex and owe ourselves the love of accepting that.  

People are going to judge us, they will call us lazy, fat, stupid, ugly, and other not so kind words. Maybe they do not mean to, maybe they do not realize how hurtful it is, or how sad it makes them sound but it does not change the fact that it will go on. However, we can choose to embrace it or reject it. I say reject that shit.

Reject the haters and let lovers in.

Promote love. All the love, self-love, loving others, loving your flaws and their mistakes,  the hippie kinda of love, the love that is hard to find, the love that rivals fairy tales, and of course, the love and light you grow in when you realize that this world and everything in it is not to be judged by first glance.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:                             Baking In A Tornado                        Spatulas on Parade                                          The Momisodes                       The Bergham’s Life Chronicles                           Southern Belle Charm                                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy                          Confessions of a part-time working mom                           Someone Else’s Genius                             Climaxed                                  Never Ever Give Up Hope                                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo       The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver                  The Angrivated Mom


Friday, July 10, 2015

Secret Subject Swap: July 10th, 2015

Hello and Happy Friday!

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

                         * * *

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

Spatulas on Parade

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

The Momisodes

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Southern Belle Charm

Confessions of a part-time working mom

 The Lieber Family

Battered Hope

Someone Else’s Genius


Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

                    ~ ~ ~

My “Secret Subject” is:

What are your traditions for the 4th of July and why do you insist on keeping them?

It was submitted by: Southern Belle Charm -thank you for the prompt!

                       *   *   *


I am not sure I have any that are consistent. There is no annual barbecue or specific place we must go to see the fireworks. We are more 'go with the flow' type of people.

Sometimes, I host get togethers, other times...I will be the guest helping you clean up and urging you to sit down while I mix us a drink.

Traditions, while they can be comforting at times, do not work for me. Life tends to get in the way. It gets hectic and messy. The stuff I've planned goes awry then when I've settled on nothing somehow everything falls into place.

That's okay.

I like unpredictable and fun. My inner control freak is dying that I said that for the record...but over the years I have found it is much better to go with the flow rather than get worked up over not being able to do certain things the way I planned.

This most recent 4th of July, I spent the early hours of it playing board games and drinking, making fun questionable decisions with good friends. I wish I had a ton of pictures to share...but we were too busy verbally abusing each other and making innuendos to stop and take pictures. The actual day, we did nothing memorable-mom was feeling quite crappy and my goal was just to make her comfortable.

The only 'tradition' I suppose I have is that I try to spend it with people I love and who makes my life better simply being in it. It is never so much what we are doing but more so spending time with those who makes our days worthwhile and anything and everything fun.

That should be the only tradition that matters-spending time with those who make our hearts happy.