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Fat Girl Diaries: Thoughts on Losing A Whole Person And Still Being Really Fat

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This past Saturday I completed the IhavenoclueanymorewhatnumberIamon 5k in my lifetime-at my fastest time nonetheless. Today, I received an email with my chip time in it-51 minutes and 41 seconds....meaning it takes me 17 minutes and 14 seconds to walk/jog a mile.  I was so geeked to learn that was my time as I thought I was at 53 minutes when I crossed the finish line so knowing it was faster than I thought put some pep in my step to say the least.  Doesn't quite seem like big potatoes or a fast time to some people....and it really isn't. But, I am not concerned about other people's thoughts on my time. 

While in this 5K a person began to walk next to me and told me what an inspiration I was to them. I blankly stared at this stranger and said, 'thank you?'. They asked me in a lowered voice if it was my first 5k to which I replied no. Because, it definitely isn't I have been doing 5ks for at least 5 years if not longer. Yes, even when I was close to 450 pounds. …

Brain Dump: I Don't Want To Be A Christian

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While wheeling a patient into a building, I asked them to hold the door as the button that opened the entrance had a habit of sticking and not opening each time. The person looked back at me, at my patient, shrugged, then waltzed in without holding the door. Which, is their right. We can do whatever we want in this world. But it doesn't mean we are free from the consequences of our actions. This was a very slight inconvenience but a few weeks later...it is still fresh in mind.

"Well, that wasn't very Christian of them", my patient said with humor invading her voice and we both burst out laughing. 
Then I realized, the person in front of us was with the Christian retreat that was staying at the same resort we were. The ones who were proudly wearing name tags stating which church they were with...
I know, I know...I don't know their reasoning for why they couldn't wait the 30 second and hold the door for us but it still irritated me. It truly rubbed my soul raw…

April's Monthly Writing Challenge: Wildly Cautious

Many nights I've walked on my wild side
with no regards to safety.

I've kissed the stars while balancing on the moon,
jumped into love wholly while the other person simply twiddled their thumbs,
gifted bits of my bright spirit away to lost souls hoping it would help them find their way home,
hiked alone at dusk while slipping and sliding down icy paths,
chased adventure at the witching hour on random road trips with only wanderlust as GPS,
and dove into Lake Michigan in the middle of winter, willingly and sober.

Maybe that wasn't wild though.
Maybe that was just trying to feel alive.

Because, really, the most wild thing I've chose to do,
 is continue living when I wanted to die.

There's nothing more crazy than to hold on
when every inch of your being is begging you to let go.

The darkness can be comforting and inviting, 
when reality is frigid and blindingly harsh.

But the thing is, not all days are easy. Heh, better way to look at it is, not all days are hard.
Not al…

Thankfully Sorry: Working On Overcoming False Guilt

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Recently, I read a post that stated instead of apologizing for what we consider to be our faults that we should be putting gratitude in the atmosphere. For instance, instead of saying 'sorry for talking so much', we should say, 'thank you for listening'

The act of apologizing is an admittance of doing something wrong. 

Many times in my life I have apologized for what I considered to be sharing too much emotionally, I have apologized for being too energetic, I have apologized for offering help and assistance to others, I have apologized for laughing too loudly, I have apologized for taking up too much space....I spent too much time apologizing for being me. 

I have been guilty of having false guilt. Yes, you read that right. Guilty of having false guilt.

False guilt is  a fun trait we pick up over time, that we customize and hold on to as a learned response. It is an unreasonable emotion and unhealthy response to a situation that we feel we should be able to better althou…

When She Inconveniences You By Being Dead...

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Excitedly, I snapped the pic. 
You had talked about Holiday Inn and Memphis since I was a child. You shared your experiences, your fun times, what you learned and expounded how I had to go there to feel the 'soul'.  How could I be standing in front of this history and not think of you?
I would love to show you. 

But, I can't. On the inconvenient fact of you being dead and all. 

You would have loved it. All of it. The music, the history, the culture, oh...and the people. Mom, you would have loved talking to these people. You would not have shut up one bit, you would have chimed in the history you knew and threw in cultural comparisons between the North and South. There is no doubt you would have loved the hotel and the pillows. You would have mowed down on some delicious treats. Your walker would have gotten its wear and tear hitting the road and taking breaks while you took in the sights...and low whistled at the eye candy you would call 'scenery' you would have certai…

For The Person Who Doesn't Think They Are Worthy Of Love, This Is For You

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You have been hurt. 

Badly. 

So bad, in fact, that you think that the pain you have experienced you deserved in some way or another because you are not worthy of kindness, beauty or love. 

But the pain you felt due to other's indifference, apathy, immaturity, or just plain spite...? That, had nothing to do with you-and everything to do with their souls that were not ready to love. Unfortunately, you were the one who it was taken out on and that's why you are reading this right now. You need to know that their anger, their ill-communication, their dishonesty, their unfaithfulness, the pain they brought you, was not a reflection of your worth or lack thereof, it was a reflection of their need to grow as a human. 

It doesn't feel like that though. 

You thought that you were more than enough to make someone else act differently. You thought, perhaps, that your love could change their unhealthy habits or break down their outer shell. But, that did not happen. 

And, that's okay.

Yo…

Goodbye Ghost

I dated a ghost for too long. Oddly enough, he made me feel alive with his dead regurgitated words that he must have salvaged from from graveyards no one visits any more. I wasn't quite ever able to be on the same plane as him, we were often times in the same room but...he was elsewhere, worried about not being good enough, a veil grew between us inspired by his fear of not only the future but of the now."I know you don't think I love you, but I do Jenn, I do", said through tears with a pained cracked voice.But, I couldn't feel it. Because the actions didn't line up with the words. On the foolish 4th chance I gave him, a date where he planned it- all I had to do was show up, he left me pounding on his apartment door in the frigid winter air, chilled to the bone because he wouldn't answer, again. I should have known history was bound to repeat itself. But I'm a fool who likes to relapse on past lovers because of the familiarity...because at least I kno…