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WSPD; Please Stay

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We have this weird thing in our culture where we believe in treating our bodies and nourishing our faith (whatever it may be) but when it comes taking care of our minds, when it comes to our emotional health, when it comes to asking for mental help we pause because we know that stigma is still out there. That stupid, asinine, archaic stigma that resides in society that says people who suffer from mental illness are weak. The stigma makes others think that those suffering are faking it, they can just 'get over it', or they can just brush themselves off and keep going. Welp. That's bullshit. We have lost people to suicide who thought they had no other option in this world. We have broken friends and family walking around in soul crushing hazes of grief not knowing how to go on and wondering what they could have done. We have people in our lives right now who are considering if their lives are worth living. We have, ourselves, debated our own worth, found ourselves lacking and t…

The Last Day My Mom Was My Mom

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On September 7th, 2018 it will be one year since my mom has passed away. 

One whole year where I have not heard her laugh, held her hand or watched one of her cheesy sci-fi flicks she just absolutely adored. In three short days, it will be a year that I have not had the joy of having her flush the toilet while I was in the shower, mock me for being so serious or feel her gently caress my back after along day and when she got my sigh she jokingly ask what I would do without her.  My answer is the same now as it was then, I don't know ma, I don't know. 

If we're being honest, my mom left me before the year mark. She was gone that Tuesday after Labor Day. The last time my mom was herself was a year ago today. See, when your body shuts down...the person you were leaves until the rest of your shell decides to die off. It's a confusing and weird time for your loved ones to watch you barely  sip water, administer morphine so your body is not in pain, watch you raise your arms a…

Fat Girl Diaries: Thoughts on Losing A Whole Person And Still Being Really Fat

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This past Saturday I completed the IhavenoclueanymorewhatnumberIamon 5k in my lifetime-at my fastest time nonetheless. Today, I received an email with my chip time in it-51 minutes and 41 seconds....meaning it takes me 17 minutes and 14 seconds to walk/jog a mile.  I was so geeked to learn that was my time as I thought I was at 53 minutes when I crossed the finish line so knowing it was faster than I thought put some pep in my step to say the least.  Doesn't quite seem like big potatoes or a fast time to some people....and it really isn't. But, I am not concerned about other people's thoughts on my time. 

While in this 5K a person began to walk next to me and told me what an inspiration I was to them. I blankly stared at this stranger and said, 'thank you?'. They asked me in a lowered voice if it was my first 5k to which I replied no. Because, it definitely isn't I have been doing 5ks for at least 5 years if not longer. Yes, even when I was close to 450 pounds. …

Brain Dump: I Don't Want To Be A Christian

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While wheeling a patient into a building, I asked them to hold the door as the button that opened the entrance had a habit of sticking and not opening each time. The person looked back at me, at my patient, shrugged, then waltzed in without holding the door. Which, is their right. We can do whatever we want in this world. But it doesn't mean we are free from the consequences of our actions. This was a very slight inconvenience but a few weeks later...it is still fresh in mind.

"Well, that wasn't very Christian of them", my patient said with humor invading her voice and we both burst out laughing. 
Then I realized, the person in front of us was with the Christian retreat that was staying at the same resort we were. The ones who were proudly wearing name tags stating which church they were with...
I know, I know...I don't know their reasoning for why they couldn't wait the 30 second and hold the door for us but it still irritated me. It truly rubbed my soul raw…

April's Monthly Writing Challenge: Wildly Cautious

Many nights I've walked on my wild side
with no regards to safety.

I've kissed the stars while balancing on the moon,
jumped into love wholly while the other person simply twiddled their thumbs,
gifted bits of my bright spirit away to lost souls hoping it would help them find their way home,
hiked alone at dusk while slipping and sliding down icy paths,
chased adventure at the witching hour on random road trips with only wanderlust as GPS,
and dove into Lake Michigan in the middle of winter, willingly and sober.

Maybe that wasn't wild though.
Maybe that was just trying to feel alive.

Because, really, the most wild thing I've chose to do,
 is continue living when I wanted to die.

There's nothing more crazy than to hold on
when every inch of your being is begging you to let go.

The darkness can be comforting and inviting, 
when reality is frigid and blindingly harsh.

But the thing is, not all days are easy. Heh, better way to look at it is, not all days are hard.
Not al…

Thankfully Sorry: Working On Overcoming False Guilt

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Recently, I read a post that stated instead of apologizing for what we consider to be our faults that we should be putting gratitude in the atmosphere. For instance, instead of saying 'sorry for talking so much', we should say, 'thank you for listening'

The act of apologizing is an admittance of doing something wrong. 

Many times in my life I have apologized for what I considered to be sharing too much emotionally, I have apologized for being too energetic, I have apologized for offering help and assistance to others, I have apologized for laughing too loudly, I have apologized for taking up too much space....I spent too much time apologizing for being me. 

I have been guilty of having false guilt. Yes, you read that right. Guilty of having false guilt.

False guilt is  a fun trait we pick up over time, that we customize and hold on to as a learned response. It is an unreasonable emotion and unhealthy response to a situation that we feel we should be able to better althou…

When She Inconveniences You By Being Dead...

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Excitedly, I snapped the pic. 
You had talked about Holiday Inn and Memphis since I was a child. You shared your experiences, your fun times, what you learned and expounded how I had to go there to feel the 'soul'.  How could I be standing in front of this history and not think of you?
I would love to show you. 

But, I can't. On the inconvenient fact of you being dead and all. 

You would have loved it. All of it. The music, the history, the culture, oh...and the people. Mom, you would have loved talking to these people. You would not have shut up one bit, you would have chimed in the history you knew and threw in cultural comparisons between the North and South. There is no doubt you would have loved the hotel and the pillows. You would have mowed down on some delicious treats. Your walker would have gotten its wear and tear hitting the road and taking breaks while you took in the sights...and low whistled at the eye candy you would call 'scenery' you would have certai…