if only it was that easy. It is doable, but a lot of hard work to make myself satisfied.
I realized a long time ago I could not depend on other people to make me happy, to thrill me, to wholly and fully satisfy me. Only I know how to do that properly.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy people and what we do together. I even hunger for certain kinds of interactions that get my adrenaline pumping and blood flowing properly. But if I want to have a good time, if I want to get the best experience I know I have to be the one willing to satisfy myself.
No one can do it better. I understand that it has always been more of a mind game than anything physical for me, and that's true for most women. I know how to position myself, I know how to feel full and complete without feeling awkward and shamed afterwards, I can push myself just a little farther then I would let anyone else, because I know my body, mind and soul that damn well.
The perception of ones self is a funny thing. We never quite see ourselves as others do. In my 10th grade sociology class, our teacher put a picture on the board. It was a drawing obviously done by a child where the crude lines depicted an ugly face, a lumpy and lopsided body, and the only feeling I could accurately describe emanating from the picture was hate. The person was standing away from the rest of the people who were drawn nicer, with big smiles and brightly colored clothes where the outsider was drawn to look ugly and mean.
Our teacher asked us who drew the picture, was it the person herself or did someone draw a picture of someone they disliked being shunned by the crowd. Most people said someone else drew it, but I knew in my heart it was a self-potrait and was one of the few that said so.
It was a self-portrait. We learned about body dysmorphism, low-self esteem and low confidence, and how most likely the person who could hate you the most was you.
That has stuck with me my entire life. It opened my eyes and scared the crap out of me.
How scary is it that we are the ones that can get inside our heads the most?
Find one or two simple faults and magnify them to the point where nothing else is visible to ourselves? Tear ourselves down with expert self-degradation and reinforced by societys sick obsession with only one type of beauty?
It took me a long time to accept that my beauty does not lie in my thick backside, kissable lips or eager to please knees. It took me longer to realize any true beauty I found within myself is not negated by my "flaws". My big nose does not take away from my soft heart. My fat stomach does not stop my soul from reaching out to others. My acne will not deter me from wearing a sparkly, silky skirt because that is what makes me happy.
Trying to squash the want away for the things we like because we are afraid it doesn't fit our body type or worried what people will say is pointless. People will talk, judge and be cruel anyway. We need to be our own ally and be brave enough to do what we want, even if it takes us outside of our comfort zone.
Hungering for a different life, a different body is okay. Working towards a better and healthier you is wonderful. But refusing yourself simple pleasures in life because you think you do not deserve it is asinine. No matter who you are right now and no matter who you plan on growing and changing into, you need to accept you will always be you at heart and you should invest and believe in yourself. You cannot count on anyone else to do that for you. If you don't you will always search for happiness everywhere when you should have been cultivating it within yourself so you can live satisfied and not empty.
I used to feel silly and awkward when I chose an outfit that was form fitting and appealing to my eye. I imagined in my head that only teeny, tiny women would and should wear anything cute and fashionable. How ridiculous is that? I find myself wearing what I want, saying what I want, doing what I want not only because life is too short but because I do not deserve any less than anyone else. I am just as capable, just as human as anyone else and should realize my worth and what pursue what brings contentment to my soul.
When we cannot find our worth, our value, our self-importance because we focus on flaws it is sickening, it is sad, it is nowhere near satisfying.
We need to accept and let go of our flaws. We need to acknowledge that yes, they are a part of us but they do not define us. We need to embrace that there is no perfection and that trying to reach it will only end in misery for us.
We need to remember that even though we are the ones that can tear ourselves down but we are also the ones who can build ourselves up. We can choose to find the beauty beside what we consider ugly. We can learn how to take a compliment and most importantly we can learn that beauty and flaws have nothing to do with our self worth.
Luckily, we are the ones who get to define ourselves. We get to decide what makes us lovable, what makes our bodies and mind beautiful, what makes us happy and content.
We are the ones who have to satisfy ourselves. We cannot rely on anyone else to build us up, to bring us to our happy spot, it is wonderful to have a amazing support system, to have loving family and friends who find the good in you, but if you cannot see your good qualities, or your true worth then any kind words will fall on your deaf ears.
You must be willing to be ignore any outside elements that want to tear you down, you must use the objectiveness you use to find the beauty in others and listen to the instincts that tell you others have an ugly soul.
You must harness that objectiveness and use those instincts on yourself. You must be willing to be raw, to be honest with yourself and take the initiative to self-satisfy and you will find yourself writhing on the inside for a long time with the most orgasmic inner bliss.
This has been a Sunday Confession with the one and only More Than Cheese And Beer. Please stop by the link-up and check out her confession as well as the other brave bloggers who joined in.