Friday, November 13, 2015

Use Your Words: Friday, November 13th, 2015

Hello and wishes for a happy Friday to you!

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them.

Until now.

At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 

I’m using:   anniversary ~ sleeping ~ forgive ~ rhythm ~ necessities.

They were submitted by:

Never Ever Give Up Hope  -Thanks Carol!
                        *    *    *

The black and white words stare back at me. I read the last page first. I always do, I can't stand surprises, and I'm glad I did.

"If there is one take-away message that this book can offer to those in service work or supporting it, it is this: the poor, no matter how destitute, have enormous untapped capacity ; find it, be inspired by it, and build upon it".

-Toxic Charity: How Churches And Charities Hurt Those They Help

My head hurts in a good way if that is indeed possible. My mind is reeling from too much information that it probably already knew but is trying to digest and figure out what it means to me.

I am a giver. I always have been and always will be. Since I was a little girl I would give away my money, my toys, my crayons, my whatever if it brought a smile to someone else's face.

Saying I didn't have much growing up is an understatement, well at least in the materialistic sense. I had love, laughter, guidance, and loads of sarcasm, exactly what every little girl needs to grow up to be the sardonic, self-deprecating jackass she hopes to be. But when it came to necessities like food and what not to say we struggled a bit isn't quite accurate.

We had no monies. We had little food. If I didn't get clothes for my birthday from extended family members then my threads came from the donation piles at church. No hard feelings, just the truth. It's hard for my mom to admit that or talk about the real facts about raising me sometimes. She has apologized for not being able to provide me with more growing up but there is nothing to forgive. There is nothing to move on from or heal from. I have no shame in the way I was raised. I have no shame in what I didn't have. She did what she had to do and it taught me one of the most important lessons in life-perseverance.

As Thanksgiving nears, I find myself thinking back to when we were delivered a food basket and I was maybe 9 and thought it was so nice but the strained smile on my mom's face stopped my stupid little joyous heart. It was an odd feeling. We only had dinner because they brought it. My mom felt shame, so then I felt shame but I also wanted to be nice and polite.  What made the situation the odd was the way the people who had delivered the food were lingering. Like they were waiting with bated breath for excitement, for joy, for extreme gratitude for us poor folks to kiss their feet and jump up and down. They surveyed our simple apartment with astute eyes, made no real attempt to make a connection or conversation but you could feel the contentment roll off of them for their job well of helping the poor around the holidays.

However, I have been on both sides of this awkward scenario. I have also been the foolish one to stand delivering the gifts and food awaiting my applause for my act of kindness. Proud as a peacock of being able to help those who needed it I unconsciously discounted people's feelings and dignity searching for a way to validate my own.

In my younger days, I felt I needed to prove I no longer needed help, instead I had to show that I could help others. I wasn't stuck in that bracket of 'poor', I was better. But turns out, I wasnt. I was just another immature ass who didn't truly know how to give from their heart.

I was helped and I was the helper and both times my heart wasn't really ready to accept or give.

It took me years to find my rhythm, to find my place, my fit. After realizing that simply performing an act of 'kindness' did nothing for my soul or the recipients I had to take a step back and reevaluate what I was truly doing and why I was doing it. If I wanted to truly make the world a better place I had to put love into my work. I had to meet the people I was serving, I had to form relationships, get outside of my comfort zone, truly put my heart into my serving. And you know what I found out?

I probably enjoy serving others more than anything else. Not because I feel better about what I'm doing, not because it makes me look awesome and I should be the next candidate for canonization, but because it allows me to put love into the world and get some back by learning and listening to people's life stories.

Love baby, it makes the world go round.

Recently, someone asked me how long I had been volunteering with the local women and children's shelter. They seemed put off that I didn't know the exact anniversary, they began to pick and prod asking why I don't talk about it like I used to years ago.

Quite simply put, I don't need to talk about it. I don't need to share my volunteering experiences with anyone else. I don't need to advertise how or when I help others. I need to just do what feels right for my soul. I need to talk, learn and laugh with those with whom I volunteer. I need to deepen my relationships, I need to serve others the ways I know how. I don't have to answer to anyone and I'll tell you now they can make assumptions or whatever they want about me and I'll still be sleeping perfectly well at night.

My head hurts in a good way and I do know now that it is indeed possible. My mind is reeling realizing that I have been on both sides of the fence and finally understand that I'm happy where I water my grass because I get that it gets greener and flourishes when I take care of it. It doesn't flourish when I am embarrassed when people help me with my lawn, it doesn't flourish when I stand there waiting for people to notice my hard work, it flourishes when I shut up, get dirty and work til my heart is truly content.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

Baking In A Tornado

Spatulas on Parade

The Momisodes

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Southern Belle Charm

Never Ever Give Up Hope 

Rena’s World 
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

The Bergham Chronicles

Eileen’s Perpetually Busy

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Someone Else’s Genius


The Angrivated Mom

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Give In to Yourself

Being altruistic, having unselfish concern and love for everyone and the world around you is noble, it is kind and magnanimous. Being humble and showing selflessness because you have a social conscience is admirable. Giving grace and helping further our society with humility and humanitarianism is honorable.

But it means nothing if you neglect yourself in the process.

You can give the world whatever you can but if you do not give yourself a break and realize it is okay to be human and err you will get nowhere.

You, yes you, matter.

You with your anger and sins matter. You who are too rough on yourself matter. You who can find no redeeming qualities about yourself matter. You who replay your mistakes over and over in your head matter. You who wander and worry matter. You who have no idea who or what you are or are meant for matter.

You would not treat the ones you love with the self-deprecation or disgust as you treat yourself.

There is no doubt you will fail. You will hurt the ones you loved in ways you never thought you could. That promise you said you'd never break? You'll break it. There will be times you will be selfish, you will be mean, you will be caustic and crude but you know what? That doesn't matter. Those moments the worst of you triumphs does not define you.

It does not matter if someone has it worse than you. It does not matter if someone is better than you. Their experiences do not negate yours or strip your emotions of their validity. Your journey and path matters. It is okay to take a breath and be selfish to focus on yourself.

The fact remains you still can choose who you are, what you do, and where you go in this world. Regardless of your past blunders, faults, transgressions, or wrongdoings you can move forward. Just remember to treat yourself with love and kindness and take each day as it comes.

You will be your longest life-long friend and ally-you better start acting like it. Give yourself a damn break you deserve it.

Today's blog was a Sunday Confession hosted by the awesome Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer on the topic of give. If you haven't already checked her out, do yourself a favor and check out her blog.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Secret Subject Swap: November 6th, 2015

Hello and Happy Friday to you!!!
Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 15 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:                          Baking In A Tornado                                          The Momisodes                  Spatulas on Parade                                 Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                       Never Ever Give Up Hope                               The Lieber Family Blog                                   Rena’s World                         Dinosaur Superhero Mommy              The Bergham Chronicles                 Confessions of a part-time working mom                       Just a Lovely Day                 Someone Else’s Genius                       Climaxed               The Angrivated Mom

My subject is: She lives in someone's locket.
It was submitted by: Someone Else's Genius --Thank you Robin! :)

Here goes: 
She lives in someone's locket but she will live in his heart forever too.
^I was going to just leave it like that because sometimes simple can hit us right in the heart. But I decided to expand on it just a bit. we go part deux:

She lives forever,

she lives in the now

she lives in the ether,

she lives within their vows.


He hasn’t forgotten,

he never will,

he loved her once,

and will love her still.


She touched his soul,

ripped open his heart,

makes him question the future,

only because they are now apart.


He misses her constantly,

the touch of her skin,

the smell of her hair

her being gone should be a sin.


She would have stayed,

if given the chance,

but her body failed,

leaving him in a hypnotic trance.


He won't forget her smile,

or the way she would dance,

he can't forget her love,

or that taught him to laugh and true romance.

She lives in someone's locket but she will live in his heart forever too.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Maddening Mask

The gory blood dripping from the eyes,
wooden teeth ominously smiling,
the discontent is no surprise,
anxiety increasing and beguiling.

A disfigured and damaged face,
ghoulish green hairs sticking out,
an alien from outer space,
or a wart and a signature witches' pout.

Any of these can hide our features,
they can alter our perception,  
they can change us to be creatures,
but thats not nearly the most clever deception.

The maddening mask is none of these,
its the one we choose to believe,
the reality to which we tease,
when to lies and falsehoods we cleave.

When we close our minds,
refusing to show others whats on our hearts,
we choose our emotions to be maligned,
and our souls we willingly tear apart.

This sycophantic laughter and pasted on smile,
will obscure our needs and our reality,
and create within us thoughts that are vile,
because as much as we try we cannot live in duality.

The most frightening thing we can ever do,
is pretend to be someone else to appease others,
and live a life that is not true to you,
but it will only create regret, angst and internal shudders.

Living within lies and concealing our feelings,
hiding who we are and putting on a facade,
is the most confining mask that will leave us reeling,
and leave our souls under attack by a barrage.

So to keep your brain sane,
and to nuture your soul,
be yourself to avoid the drama and pain,
and remember who you are-is under your control.

Please check out the other bloody brave bloggers who decided to give us a freakish fright or a silly smile by trying their hand at poetry for this upcoming hopefully Happy Halloween::

Blogger and Blog: Karen of Baking In A Tornado
Name of Poem: Stubble, Rubble, Boil and Bubble
Blogger and Blog: Lydia of Cluttered Genius
Name of Poem: A (Parenting) Halloween Poem
Blogger and Blog: Sarah of The Momisodes
Name of Poem: Ode to Candy Tax
Blogger and Blog: Dawn of Spatulas on Parade
Name of Poem: Ghost, Gobblins and Dessert OH MY
Blogger and Blog: Robin of Someone Else's Genius
Name of Poem: It Could Happen - A Poem
Blogger and Blog: Tamara of Confessions of a part-time working mom
Name of Poem: Of Springboks and Ghouls 
Blogger and Blog: Sarah of People Don't Eat Enough Fudge
Name of Poem: Nothing To Fear Here 
Blogger and Blog: Candice of Measurements of Merriment
Name of Poem: Witches & Vampires
Blogger and Blog: Jules of The Bergham Chronicles
Name of Poem: Spooktacular Poetry
Blogger and Blog: Steena of The Angrivated Mom
Name of Poem: Cursed By The Devil's Kiss 

Sunday, October 25, 2015



In my house they have become both the enemy and our saving grace. My mother has in the last few months been diagnosed with congestive heart failure (CHF). On top of everything else she has going on we have had to restrict fluids in her diet as she fluctuates immensely in weight (fluid retention) due to her CHF.

Which means, unfortunately, we have had to restrict the woman's coffee intake.

She can handle her diabetes, degenerative disc disease, heart issues, knee problems, torn acl, but this CHF? It kicks her ass. We have to measure how much she drinks, measure and watch sodium intake, substitute salad for her soup...and of course cut back her coffee intake.

Ever since I was little I have known coffee first questions later. It's her destresser, her indulgence, her last hurrah. She cannot dance or move that well these days, her diet is quite strict, she doesn't drink alcohol or smoke anything....but is her crack. No sugar, no cream, just black, bitter and steaming like her soul she always jokes.

And now, she's relegated to 48 ounces of fluid a day. She used to have 48 ounces easily in her first couple cups of the day. It's been a she is handling fairly well.

See, she's already been hospitalized twice because her CHF was wreaking havoc on her body. She ballooned up within 2 days (both times) by 25 pounds or more. So she had to go in the hospital where they jack up her diuretic intake, restrict her fluids more, watch her sodium and magnesium levels to make sure they don't go too low and she becomes miserable. It is no fun to be hungry, thirsty, crampy and pee every ten minutes with people walking in and out of the room checking on this and that.

But regardless of all that, she has a spirit that is...admirable to say the least. She gets bitchy and feisty sure but she also takes it all in stride. Her soul bends and stretches taking in every bit of new information. She allows herself to thrive with new knowledge and rejects being regulated by others constantly and chooses the best path for herself. She could easily sit back and be crabby and understandably sour at all times but she refuses to allow her circumstances to define her attitude and demeanor. 

She makes her own day. 

She doesn't let anything, even the restriction of her beloved coffee, make her day. Thank goodness her spirits still have the fluidity to bounce back from all that she has been through. 

We know, dear goodness do we know, that life is never set in stone. It is forever changing and flowing but the one thing we can control in this life is how we react and spend our days.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Use Your Words: October 16, 2015

Hello and happy Friday!

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them.

Until now.

My words are:

tattoos ~ pumpkin ~ bats ~ candy ~ mice ~ zombies

They were submitted by:

-Thanks Dawn!

She blinks her eyes,
wondering if she bats her butterfly lashes hard enough if they could take her away from here.

Far away from these mindless zombies, who wander aimlessly and hold painfully dull conversations.

Their souls are satiated with candy, mindless chatter and boring sex. Where she craves a hard unforgettable fucking, discussions that flair into thoughtful debates and anything sinfully savory she could sink her teeth into.

Her tattoo stained skin, poetry leaking fingers and star speckled eyes caused others to stare and keep their distance.

Or so they told themselves.

Really it was because they were fearful silly mice. Scurrying to and fro, snitching a treat here or there just to get by, too busy or distracted to enjoy their days, their lives, any and every moment.

She wanted to fit in at one time.

Wanted to feel pretty and walk around with the perfectly carved jackolantern smile on a empty seeded pumpkin head. She wanted laugh with the sycophants and sneer at absurd suggestions that differed from her own.

She wanted a home.

Luckily, she was brave. She was different. She was odd.

Whoever she would form a tribe with would be weird and silly. They would cherish her art and her silence. They would understand that you don't talk anytime Joplin or Sinatra was on and that it was okay love everything a little too much.

But until then, she formed her own home-her contentment to be who she truly was.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts: Baking In A Tornado Spatulas on Parade The Momisodes Sparkly Poetic Weirdo Southern Belle Charm Rena’s World Confessions of a part time working mom Never Ever Give Up Hope Someone Else’s Genius Searching for Sanity Climaxed Dinosaur Superhero Mommy The Bergham Chronicles The Angrivated Mom Eileen's Perpetually Busy

Sunday, October 11, 2015

You Are Not A Low Priority

Not being okay is okay.

Staying that way is not okay.

I invite us all to embrace and acknowledge our feelings. The good, the bad, the iffy, the lovey dovey, the scary, the hard-to-deal-with, and everything-in-between feelings. There is nothing wrong with feeling depressed or low.

It is wrong to accept living in emotional pain or turmoil simply because we do not think we deserve better. We do not need to shelve our souls, wants or desires in hopes that one day it will get better. If we (those of us with low self-esteem or depression or both) would have a loved one of ours who put themselves on the backburner because they felt insignificant or unworthy of being happy or of self-love we would slap the hard truth pf reality into their silly beautiful faces.

We would adamantly list and defend why they were indeed worthy of love and acceptance. We would attempt to love them fiercely. We would push them to seek help.

But for ourselves?

We find it okay to make ourselves the lowest priority possible. Our children, our spouses, our work, our status, our parents, our friends, our finances, our volunteer commitments all come before ourselves. Somehow, we have accepted expecting putting everyone and everything else before ourselves. Especially when we are feeling at our lowest points.

Except the truth is we cannot get out our lowest moments without realizing we have our highest moments in front of us still. The lowest ditches we will dig ourselves into will be the ones we refuse to admit that we can use a hand getting out of. Honestly, though it is simple but equally terrifying, the hand we need most is our own helping us move forward.

Admitting we are worthy of love and worthy of taking time to get out of our low spots is a step in the right direction.

Not being okay is okay.

Staying that way is not okay.

Thank you for stopping by for today's Sunday Confession on low. Sunday Confessions is the brainchild of the talented, funny and amazing Ashley from More Than Cheese And Beer. If you would like to join in with a confession please link up below. Don't be shy please visit the other contributors, stop by our fearless hosts blog or her Facebook page. Happy Sunday and happy reading to you!

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