sometimes want to be. I want to let my guard down, let my emotions get the justice they deserve, simply put, I don't want to apologize for feeling the way I feel.
I am five days late for my period. I know I am not pregnant, not only because at this point we are actively not trying until I'm at a healthier weight, not only because I'm on birth control but because when I get that tiny, glimmer of hope I have to check. I have to just see if maybe a miracle has finally happened but those cruel damn sticks bodly and unequivocally tell me I am not pregnant.
Since the time of my childhood I have loved children. I know, that sounds weird, but I always appreciated and loved the relationship between a mother and a child. The ability to bring life. To me that was the most important job in the world.
To me that is the most important and beautiful job in the world.
I know you may think you are being helpful or funny when you say any of the following:
"Maybe it's not meant to be" or "Just relax" or "Why don't you just adopt?" or "Man if my husband just looks at me I get knocked up"
but I can assure you that you indeed are not.
I promise for the first few years of my 13 year relationship with my hubby, I was relaxed, not at all worried about conceiving. I thought it would come in due time. Sometime in my early twenties for sure. But when that didn't happen I thought I'd be a mom in my late twenties. And here I am just welcomed into my thirties with no child of our own.
We have thought of adoption and even though if you google or bing costs of adoptions and it says it can be anywhere between 0 and 50,000 the people I have known and met have all ballparked it between 30-45 grand. Not exactly chump change.
I get that sometimes you may feel the need to say something, but sometimes all a friend needs is a welcoming silence, an outstretched arm and a shoulder to cry on.
It can still happen, we are working with a great ob/gyn, I am taking the medicine, shedding the weight, relaxing, and still holding onto hope.
There are days when the bitterness strikes and I find myself a little sad. I feel a little melancholy. I remember sharing a status back in the Myspace days (before being worried about conceiving) about being ready to be a mom and a few other women commented how they were too. I got messages from some other women who confided in their struggles and pain. Out of those 9 women who commented or messaged me, I am the only woman who has not had a child and l wonder if l will ever be part of the only group l have ever wanted to join-motherhood.
But you know what? l am still that friend that will listen to you complain about your morning sickness, your achy back and leaky breasts. l will always offer to babysit if l can. l will empathize about your lack of sleep. l will still love you maybe envy you a little, but love you and the children you bring into this world.
I just do not want to feel bad about the feelings l am expierencing. l do not need advice, smart ass remarks or lectures. At the very least, understand that l have heard them before-at the very complicated understand l have spent many nights, crying, wishing and praying for this miracle and am working with my doctors to make it a reality.
There is an odd stigma associated with sharing emotions. We feel the need to be happy, to be bright and optimistic and ignore the pain and sadness we may feel. We urge friends or even strangers to smile when we have no freaking clue what they are thinking and feeling. What is so wrong with being real with our emotions? What is so wrong about acknowledging them and processing them?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It is unhealthy to hide our emotions, our feelings, parts of ourselves to put others at ease.
We deserve to be real with ourselves.
I feel apologetic of not being able to be a "woman" the way I should. I feel sad about not being a mother. I wonder if I am waiting and preparing for something that may not happen. l feel like l am whining when l finally share my feelings with a friend who wants to know how l am 'really doing'. I feel like a bitch when l feel a little jealous.
That being said, me being sad does not mean I am not happy for you.
It may take me a little bit longer to hit the 'like' button for your pregnancy announcement, my smile may seem a tiny bit strained when you tell me you cannot stand your kids and wish you could sell them, I may bring a ridiculous, big gift to your baby shower,it may take me a while to send a "congrats" note to you in the mail, but not because I am not happy for you. Because I am. I truly am.
It is just that I envisioned that kind of happiness for myself years ago and sometimes unknowns and realities alike are hard to come to grips with.
I am not normally a bitch. But sometimes I just want to cry and not feel guilty, not explain myself and listen to stupid questions like are we 'doing it' correctly.
Cultivate kindness. Invest it in yourself and others. Bitches and assholes do not just happen. They evolve, they explode from the once quiet person, they thrive from anger and misunderstanding.
I guess, I am just gently asking you to be kind. To me, to your friends, to your family, to strangers and especially to yourselves.