You were sitting in the lobby of my work today. Your back was to me. Out of all the chairs you had to pick the only one where I could not see your face.
The silhouette was the same. The purse was just like one you would have loved. The way your hair fell in that uneven pattern made me question what I knew to be true. I held onto the rail of the stairs in the case my reality would run away with the "should haves and could haves" like it sometimes does at night. Every step was one moment closer towards a fraudulent happiness only to be shattered by a heart dropping dose of pain all over again.
I made it to the landing and instead of going straight to my lunch table I walked the long way around just so I could see your face.
And I saw it.
You were you. You were just some stranger.
You weren't my friend.
I knew that already because she died.
But I could not NOT look.
Maybe because it had been so long since I had seen hers.
Maybe because I never said what I had bottled up inside for a few years.
Maybe because sometimes death isn't definitive enough because our hearts cannot understand that what they love is gone so they ache at inappropriate times when they see a slight resemblance of someone they used to know.
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I have some things I wish I would not have said.
There are days I mentally kick myself and feel the embarassment creep up my neck and it blushes my chipmunk cheeks.
I wonder why I said it. If it was construed as I meant it to be. If I should have worded it better.
But I said it.
And can't take it back.
And as much as I can overanalyze and worry about what I said at least I got it out.
It's the words I never speak that sit heavily on my heart.
The opportunities and time wasted is what haunts me the most.
Especially of not saying the big three.
"I'm sorry. I love you. I forgive you".
And I should have said all three- probably at once. But I never did. I gave up that chance.
I lost a friend.
To an overdose.
At the time she died we weren't really talking. Not necessarily estranged or harboring hard feelings just busy going down different roads in life.
Both certain we were going the right direction.
My mom said I should write her letter, I should get out all the unsaid so I could heal and let go.
I thought that would be silly & selling myself short. It was condescending to think a letter would absolve me from pain.
Today reminded me that I am dumb.
I've been carrying around unnecessary pain due to some preconceived notion I need to punish myself.
I wasn't there for her. I never reached out. I silently judged even though I'm sure at times in my life I did the same.
If not worse.
I just ask that you-yes you who are reading right now-tell people how you feel.
Mad? Get it off your chest.
In love? Tell em-you'll never know othrrwisr.
Pained? Please don't suffer in silence. Share it.
And if you're in the same situation I am where they are gone please take a few moments to pen them a "goodbye" or "I love you".
You owe it to yourself.
I'm a different person today than I was 6 years ago, hell even 6 months ago. I know that life can give and take. Those we think are invincible are proven to be mere mortals in the end.
No one has ever escaped this world alive. So it's best you settle up your tabs now because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I'm not sharing the letter tonight. That's for another day when I'm not feeling drained.
For now it's my words on paper to a soul I once knew.
And for my heart.
I deserve to forgive myself too.