Shame on Me

On January 17th I went to the doctor's office for a checkup. While I was tying up my flimsy gown and trying to retain some dignity, my provider asked me if I had considered getting gastric bypass surgery.

Time stopped for me.

It's not that I didn't expect it. You cannot be morbidly obese and NOT expect your provider to ask that.

But still…kind of stalled me. Stopped my engines. Dried out my throat a little. Gave me the sweaty palms.

All of it, all within seconds of her poising the simple question.

Anxious.

I was anxious.

There was a little shame mixed with guilt peppered with the bated breath of anticipation that I was going to get a lecture I've gotten my whole life.

"You need to lose weight. Just have the surgery. Don't eat so much."

I have thought about it.

Multiple times.

I have nothing against the surgery itself at all. I have had a few friends that have had wonderful results and have some that did not have the best results. I would wager that the majority of obese people contemplate having the surgery and weigh (no pun intended)the pros and cons. I have no qualms with any medical procedure.

The problem I have is with people telling me what to do with my body(& obviously jumping to conclusions).

That’s why I froze up and broke out in the case of the unnecessary anxiety.

I thought she was going to tell me what to do. If I was to break it down logically, she simply asked if I had 'considered' it. She did not lecture me, she did not tell me I had to, and she did not even recommend it.

Just asked if I had thought about it. She was trying to start a dialogue about my health. She wanted to open me up and see if I had a plan of action for my health and what I wanted to do for my health and if she could intervene.

I jumped to the worst scenario possible. I was waiting for a lecture about my health, afraid she was going to disregard what I was going to say and tell me she was setting me up a referral 'because it should be done'.

I assumed. And I was wrong to do so.

I think I did it for multiple reasons but mainly one-conditioning.

Simply put, I conditioned myself to expect negative body reactions and expect people to tell me what to do. I didn't have faith that she would listen to me because in the past…people have not.

But she did not.

She waited patiently while my brain was trying to brace itself for some dismissive remark and her claim that I had to 'at least' go to the consultation.

I explained to her that I would like to put off surgery and try to work off my weight first to see if I could do it and want to see how far my commitment could take me.

And she blew me away.

She said that's a great idea and we'll do check ups every couple months to track my progress. Then she congratulated for me losing 5 pounds from when I seen a couple weeks ago.

Once again, I felt like a fool (you'll notice that's a trend of mine). I pride myself on not judging people. For being accepting and loving people for who they are.

So if I am being true to myself shouldn't I at least listen to what's being said before I get myself down in the dumps or anxious about nothing?

Recently, I was talking with a friend,who confided she was undergoing the surgery and she wasn't telling a lot of people and she made the point to say, it's no ones decision to tell her 'not' to have the surgery. It gave me pause. She's definitely not as big as I am for and I am sure people would question if she needed it but she met all the medical guidelines. I almost told her I didn't think she needed it but then I realized, it's her decision. It's her body.

Just like I shouldn't have someone tell me I should have it done, no one should tell others they shouldn't have it done. And I don't need to be the another voice telling her that her decision is wrong and that my opinion is more important than her decision and the time and effort she spent making for HER body.

There are too many voices that are here to tell us we are too fat, we are too skinny, we are too tall, too long, too eccentric, too fast, too loud a laugher, too promiscious, too prudish, too too too too many things.

The thing is, we just have to listen to one voice.

Our own.

Shut out all the trash. Don't allow yourself to choke on the unkindness of others.

If you want to make a lifestyle change that is wonderful-but make it on your own accord.

Make it because you are ready, you are willing-not to fit someone elses standards.

Love yourself. Get down with the body love.

Do me a favor. Get a pen and a paper.

I'll wait. Go ahead.

Write down 3 things you like about yourself.

Yes, now.

Do it.

Things you haven't heard other people say or wish they've said it to you. Or noticed. Because you are beautiful and deserve to be told it--most importantly by yourself.

And believe it. Believe the best in yourself. See it and acknowledge it. You deserve to. Okay, do me one more favor?

Remember to give others the chance to compliment you and not jump to the worst conclusion. Don't dismiss what they say because you've heard from everyone else that you need to change that and fix that and lose this. You've got this body, now love it.

The only shame I am feeling today is over the fact that I may have blocked someones kindness to me because I was waiting for the negative.

But it's okay, I forgive myself and will make sure leave the lines open for self love and outside love from now on.

And you should too  ;-)

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