Sunday Night Confessions: Insecurities
Insecurities-do I have them?
Does my dog fart and once the rotten egg smell has wafted to everyones nostrils lift his head and sniff in my general direction passively aggressively accusing me of the foul smell?
Is that a proper way to answer my first question-well I'm not entirely sure.
But yes. Yes he does.
So yes, yes I have them.
Unfortunately I have not yet met one person who was not insecure about something.
Be it hair, height, artwork, penis size, old tattoos, scars, webbed toes, a snaggle tooth-whatever it is-it can be kryptonite for their self-esteem.
I wish we had limits on what we were insecure about. If we're worried about the sound of our voice then we don't get to worry about the moustache we forgot to bleach. If we are overly conscious about our ever growing backside then it should cancel out our hatred for gap in our teeth.
But that's so not life.
Whatever makes us different than the rest ,we notice and freak out absolutely POSITIVE that everyone else will notice and laugh at us.
And in the end, if that happens is that so bad?
I used to think so. I used to worry about being ostracized. But I've learned the worst person who can hurt me is me.
I can't speak for others but when I work myself into a state of insecurity I can talk myself out of anything.
Anything and everything. Stuff I've wanted to do for ages.
I've stopped myself from going to receptions because I felt I looked like my dress was a tent. I would walk the pier at the beach but not swim because no one "needs to be subjected to all this". I would refuse to share my poetry with friends who asked just knowing they would find it tedious and lacking.
Just because I don't want to be put in the spot light and be displayed for all to see my flaws and shortcomings.
I know now when I did that I wasn't only punishing myself for no reason and was driving an invisible wedge between myself and my family and friends because I was basically saying that I didn't trust them enough to love me for who I am.
And that's really shitty.
What's worse is up until really recently if anyone gave me a compliment I would totally dismiss it in the most awkward way. I couldn't handle being told I was good at something because it conflicted with my views on myself.
Not too long ago a radiologist I work with wanted to introduce me to a family member of his while they were visiting.
I was bringing him a report and he made introductions and started talking me up. I'm not exactly sure what he said because I felt her looking at me. I heard words like "great with patients" and "always volunteering and fundraising" but I could only wonder if she believed anything he was saying or just dismissed it in her head and thought her uncle was just being kind to the fat girl.
Instead of gracefully saying 'thank you' I turned to her and said "And if anyone doesn't tell you your uncle is a great doctor let me tell you, he's wonderful with patients and we're lucky to have him" (should have stopped there) "not like the jerk he might be at home".
Nooooooo clue why that came out of my mouth. But it did.
Then I backed out.
Yes. Backed out of the room while alternating stares with both of them.
But I'm trying so hard to take a compliment nicely. I'm working on it. Really.
Oddly enough, the people that can make me self-conscious the most?
Because those little bastards are honest.
They got nothing to lose and have no filter put in place yet.
If you're ugly, they'll not only declare it loudly and sip on their juicebox without batting an eye but then ask the closest 50 people why you're ugly.
And you can't do anything back to them.
Because you know, then you look like a jerk.
For the record, I love kids. I volunteer with them not only because of their brutal honesty but because they are our future and should be given the same chance as everyone else.
And they don't judge me at snack time when I play with my animal crackers.
I'm going to lay it on the line people. I got a lot for these kids to pick from. I'm fat (not the 'ohhh I'm 4 pounds overweight must go on a cleanse fat' but like really fat), I got the 4 eye thing going on, got some ink and a scar on my neck that kids always seem to find annnnnd I sing a lot.
I've gotten so much better in the last few years but once in a while I'll still get self conscious.
Like on Friday.
My mom and I went to the store. While checking out there was an adorable little girl in the buggy in front of us. I smiled she smiled. I waved she waved. This kid was awesome.
Then she pointed at my fat arm and said something along the lines of "big arm".
And I felt the heat rush my face and silently cursed myself for wearing short sleeves while digging for my sweater in the buggy.
I smiled but said nothing back. Her mom was putting stuff on the conveyor belt and I started chatting with my mom while trying to get my damn sweater unstuck.
Then I heard the war chant.
It started out soft.
"Big arm. Big arm. Big arm".
I thought my plan was solid. Ignore the kid. Get the sweater on and get outta there.
But she got louder, "big arm, arm, mom big arm" until it turned into a screechy cry and her mom noticed and asked her what she wanted.
She looked at me, pointed at my arm and quietly said, "big arm".
My stomach dropped.
And the mom looked at my arm, smiled and said, "She likes your tattoo. She's saying 'bird arm'".
I'm a moron.
So I rolled up my sleeve so she could see the hummingbird and cherry blossoms while she clapped her sticky fingers and said "pretty".
Like I said earlier, I'm pretty good at working myself up into a state of insecurity.
Useless, pointless insecurity.
It does us no good to wallow in self doubt and tear ourselves apart.
This world can be full of mean people who will want to tear you apart then for no other reason to falsely build themselves up.
We should at least be our own allies.
Ignoring our flaws and problems does nothing. Embracing our insecurities however gives us an an amazing power.
If we're insecure about something we can change-weight, attitude, clothing there's two options change it or embrace it.
But only change it if you want to or you'll find yourself in a whole other boat of problems.
If we're insecure about something we cannot change-height, limp, accent-then we're left with one choice EMBRACE IT.
Rock it out. Make it our own. There is way too much time spent in this world wishing away happiness.
Wishing for a smaller nose, bigger breasts, less freckles, longer legs-when we should be focusing on the fact we are alive and so lucky to be because there are many who will pass away just wishing for one more day with their family.
We all are amazing. We are artists, creators and destroyers, mothers and fathers, givers and takers, rejoicers and grievers, beginners and enders, sinners and saints and most importantly human.
No one knows our battles, our scars, our hearts and what we have overcome except ourselves.
So let's stop selling ourselves short.
Ladies, gentlemen-I do propose we put get our poop in a group and realize how awesome we actually are and if anyone can't handle it and tries to tear you down, let them because you know how amazing you truly are.