My Not So Fat Tuesday
The sleepy had not gotten out of my system yet. My long weekend still had a hold of my soul. The cold, bleak grayness of the outside did nothing to help wake me up and the blowing, snowy landscape was not very welcoming.
It was morning and I had to go to work.
Four ten hour shifts followed by four days off is a wonderful schedule and a horrible one all at once. When I am working those days I am in the zone. I am rigid, I am on top of my chores and duties and responsibilities.
When I am off, it's not like anything really changes, except my eating habits.
And for someone who is trying to lose weight, and become a healthier me, it is not good.
I have done okay since I committed myself to eating right and moving more. Since the beginning of 2014 I have lost 18 pounds.
I know there is nothing necessarily revolutionary about 18, but it's a start for me.
A beautiful start because it's me investing in myself.
I am not promoting people to lose weight. I am not suggesting it. l am simply being realistic with my health and obesity and choosing to do something for myself, take charge of my weight.
At the same time l decided to work on body love and positivity and it has been a hard, confusing road but l am still puttering down it.
I think that played a part in why l was terrified to return to work because I weighed in today.
I thought for sure I screwed myself on my wonderful weekend by enjoying time with friends and family. I went out to eat a few times, enjoyed nice dinners at home and my mom kept offering me delicious snacks.
Even though I was moving more and eating less I thought for sure I gained a ton of weight from the little indulgences I afforded myself this long weekend.
My mean little frame of mind that likes to tell me I'm always going to be fat and there's no changing that fact was working overtime.
It really weighed on my heart. Once I got to my department my feet felt heavier and heavier and I kept finding reasons to avoid the scale.
I feared the scale wouldn't just reflect my weight.
I was waiting for it to judge me. To show me that I am easily undone by good times and lack of discipline. lt would try to convince me l should just give up now because my weekend of guilty pleasures has surely done me in.
l was positive that judgy scale was waiting to tell me that I am not worth my 18 moments of happiness I worked so darn hard for.
I was in my office and looked at the calendar and realized it was Tuesday.
Fat Tuesday to be precise and felt it was more than fitting for me.
The more l thought about it, I got annoyed with myself. I was in the middle of planning what I was going to wear for my pity party when I hadn't even officially been invited.
There was only one way to find out where I stood with myself. I had to weigh in.
I had to face my fears.
If I gained a lot then I gained a lot.
l was forgetting that when l lost those 18 pounds l gained some determination. How crappy would it be if after one splurgy weekend l gave up on myself without even knowing where l stood?
l decided to trudge back to the scale and stripped off more than normal.
l ditched my shoes, my badge, and my shirt.
But that wasn't enough.
Before l stepped on that scale l shed my insecurity and my negativity. l refused to let that weigh me down.
I emptied my pockets of any doubt and shame that l may have been carrying around with me for a while. lt's amazing what we hold onto when we are afraid to reach for the future.
Finally, before the moment of truth, l expelled every heavy negative thought l had been chewing on all morning. l sometimes forget how many empty calories they have, and how they can do a body (and soul) bad.
l stepped on no longer worried if l gained 18 pounds back. l knew, even if l gained that improbable amount all back that l had the determination in me to work harder and lose it again.
When the numbers stopped fluctuating l stared for a moment.
l gained weight.
.02 is what l gained. Not even half a pound. lt was not a Fat Tuesday for me afterall, at least no more than usual.
I gained a little weight and lost a little fear and kept myself accountable and l was truly okay with it.
l was so glad l got it over with just to see where l stood. l saved myself so much negativity by just choosing to embrace my reality instead of getting lost in th
"what if" alternatives.
l am okay with the fact l am probably going to have set backs, that some things are going to be hard to resist and that somedays won't be my days.
But it's my choice to make those days be frequent or few and far between.
l am not sure if l have all the tools l need yet to help me get to a healthier weight and frame of mind but l know for damn sure negatvity and self-doubt will never help me get where l want to go.