Sunday Confessions: Never Again

I believe in trying everything at least once. Sometimes twice, just to make sure I have made a sound judgment on the event/situation/position.

But there are things you only have to do once in your life to know that you will never do it again.

1. Try to duplicate mom's cooking.

It's never ever going to taste the same. I'm never going to memorize it and I can never find the recipe card as mom always tells me "it's stored in here" while tapping her noggin. Think I can remember after watching her in the kitchen after 29 years?

Yeah, you weren't part of my lucky family who got to indulge in my sloppy joes seasoned with syrup. Yes. Like syrup for waffles.

Don't judge me. I ran out of brown sugar. And common sense. That happens when your trying to live up to cooking royalty. It was fun to watch everyone's face though.

2. Believe someone when they say it's "not going to hurt" when they are visiting my downtown.

Especially if it's preceeded with, "Now if you just relax..". I don't care if it's a medical professional or curious husband that shits going to hurt.

3. Group karaoke. Sober.

Ugh. Just no. It's awkward and between the 'no I don't wanna go up there's' , jostling on stage and lack of any kind of key between 6 tone deaf girls it's saving the crowds ears. Not to mention it's either a throwback annoying song (Mmmbop anyone?) or something highly attainable (anything Whitney Houston-ish).

So, let's just not.

4. Tell a secret to a child.

I don't care how innocuous they look.
I don't care how much candy you've used to bribe them.
I don't care how badly you "wanted to get it off your chest to someone".

If you tell a child a secret, they will fool you by pretending they are distracted by something shiny but the minute you walk away they'll spill their guts. To anyone and everyone. And probably to the person you were keeping it from.

Don't trust those cherub cheeks.

5. Think you can leave the house without a doggy doodoo bag because they "just went".

Because while you're introducing yourself to your new neighbor that is precisely when you're dog will want to take the biggest crap ever on their newly planted begonias. Then an awkward stare off will ensue and you'll be unsure if you should joke about helping fertilizing the flowers or try to kick it in your yard.

Make the joke. Because when you kick the caca you might just kick up the flowers accidentally too.

6. Go bottle blonde bombshell.

There's a reason there are professionals. Ignoring chemistry but wanting to alter your dark tresses is a horrible idea.

Trying to grimace through the burning and telling yourself "beauty is pain" is a lie. Rinse that shit out. Pronto. Deal with that orange hair, that's your punishment for ignoring the directions and being cheap.

7. Buy the cute kitten heels in size 10.

When you know damn well your monster feet don an 11.

You'll be stalling in the bathroom all night and fantasizing about the step-sisters' process of trying on the glass slipper in Grimms' Cinderella.

And now you can't even return them, because they're crusty with blood. Super gross.

8. Think I can make it through All Dogs Go To Heaven at someone else's house.

Or any movie where a lovable character passes.

Chances are you'll find me crying, huddled with your kids in the playroom chanting along, "Pwease don't go Charlie". Then I'll try to play it off and really no one needs to witness that awkwardness.

These are the harsh life lessons I learned.

What has inspired you to say, "Never Again"?


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