Sunday Confessions: Resilience

Fragile.

Everything in our existence is fragile.

Our world, our environment, our bodies, our feelings.

They are all so disgustingly weak and fragile.

A simple word or a noncommittal shrug can destroy a person's self-esteem.

A tiny organism can wreak havoc on our bodies and bring us to our knees, or worse our graves.

A few careless laws passed and an ambivalent society and we will have no ecosystem or a viable environment to worry about.

A few wayward asteroids and this planet is gone.

Any moment could be our last.

Yet.

Somehow none of that fazes us.

Maybe because we're idiots and we truly don't respect mortality.

Or perhaps we understand it too well.

We know that life can get murky, dirty, scary, and painful.

We know we must persevere though we don't know how we will.

Past the hurt and the fear deep down in a dark recess of our body lies something more powerful than pain and dejection.

It lies dormant only awakened by our weakened souls.

When our body and mind think we can no longer linger and push on the simple, unassuming beast awakens.

In this death trap made of breakable bones, frayable nerves and skin that is easily punctured lies a strength that somehow cannot be touched.

Maybe because it's not tangible. It's not touchable. It cannot be tainted that is why is serves us so well.

Resilience lies sheltered in our souls somewhere in between our stomachs and hearts. Or maybe a little lies in both. No one truly knows where it comes from or how it rejuvenates us but just grateful it comes.

Homed and protected by every last hope and silver lining. By every last ditch effort. Every prayer and promise, any desperate attempt to make peace, happiness, normalcy of the pain, heartbreak, death we must endure.

Only when every attempt has failed, when heart sickness takes over, when we feel like we cannot go on when unfathomable situations create a feeling of desperation and desolation does it emerge.

Resilience waits for every last barrier to be broken down.

Waits until we haven been broken down.

Perfectly imperfect understanding pain can grow us, that trespasses can be our triumphs, that death can show us how to see clearer than life ever could, resilience whispers to us.

It has no need to yell.

It has been a part of us from day one, living within us, acknowledging our.pain, loving us through our failures, only showing up in the very desperate moments.

It knows how to speak to our souls. Gently, calmly and firmly.

Like our fairy godmother before the ball or the last minute Hail Mary play, resilience comes in to help us keep going.

It tells us we can go on.

It tells us we are enough.

It tells us we are ready to let go.

It quietly hums though our veins, regenerating our bodies with life we once thought we would never enjoy again.

The first laugh after a loved one dies.

The first kiss after an unimaginable break up.

The first friend after betrayal and misgivings.

Resilience calms us. Collects us. Urges us and helps us emerge into ourselves, into our new selves.

It has guided us, pointed us to others who have been through worse and persevered so we knew how to rally our strength.

It does not roar or strut or promise no more pain, it simply offers you your inner strength to hold onto when nothing else is left.

When there is nothing left, when your soul is a shell with its strength vacuumed out by the cancerous dangerous pains of this world  resilience still is there.

When it knows you can no longer rely on yourself, dwell on yourself it asks you, urges you to ask for help, from family, friends or professionals.

There is no judgment no condescension, only a simple encouragement that you can keep going if you try.

When we have become strong enough on our own, it buries itself again.

Beneath our bated breaths and hopeful dreams, under the shooting stars in our eyes and wishes for wings and winds, it chooses to lie in darkness waiting for our lows, not because it wants us to fail, to be unhappy but because it knows life is an unpredictable impressive rollercoaster.

So it goes back to its darkness absorbing every experience we have been exposed to; sleeping, waiting, preparing for when we need it next so it can be there to steady us in our stress, in our pain, in our fragile states.

Life may be fragile but this world does not treat us as such.

Resilience knows we are a fragile tangled mess but it has lived inside us, watching our successes our trials and tribulations, our horrors and our battles.

It has seen our wounds first hand, our tears, our willingness to give up.

But it exists not to showcase our mortality, our fears or fragility but to show how we can bounce back, how we can go on, how our dedication and drive can get us through what others doubted we could survive.

It exists to show us and the world how we can be born fragile, weak and unwitting but we can grow into our strength and not simply survive but wholeheartedly, painstakingly, unabashedly live.

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