Sunday Confessions: Forget
My first time.
My first serious boyfriend.
Allowing other people to treat me like trash in some sick search of approval.
My asshole attitude to my mom as an adolescent.
Coming from a very modest upbringing.
My laziness and my choice to wait for so long to become healthier.
These are all things I thought I would love to forget.
To brush anything less than perfect under the rug as if they had never happened.
I wanted, desperately at times, to simply focus only on the good, ignore anything negative I had ever done or experienced because I thought it had a detrimental effect on my existence.
Cruel words, painful experiences, fake friends, such bad life choices I made sometimes over and over, I felt I did not need to remember.
Anything bad, painful or scary remembered would only halt me in growing, in learning, in becoming who I was supposed to be.
But that is such bullshit.
The only thing that would stop me from being the person I wanted to be, was me, being disingenuous about who I was, where I came from, what I overcame.
I thought acknowledging negative aspects of my life would chain me to them.
Condemn me to repeat my past.
I realized something over the years, that accepting our beginnings and our mistakes do not imprison us but rather liberate us.
When we accept who we are-
When we realize what we have overcome-
When we acknowledge that pain and beauty often times go hand in hand-
When we realize we have grown from everything we've been through-
it opens our hearts.
It opens our eyes to who we truly are.
It gives us a certain power and strength that no one can take away from us.
Choosing to recognize what is wrong in your life is hard.
Choosing to correct it is way harder.
This is the first year I can say I have honestly tried my hardest to improve my health. To become more active, to eat right, exercise, choose healthier activities with friends.
I still have a long way to go in my journey to a healthier me. But I took those first steps towards a better future.
I think one of the reasons I failed or never really committed myself before was because I was focusing on the past.
Focused on all the times I failed and gave in easily. All the times I gave up exercising after two days, every flash back of me eating three times the recommended serving flashed to the front of my mind, the crappy diet pills I thought would be my savior, the lame excuses I gave to myself and people worried about me about why and how I had gotten so big.
I accepted it as that was who I was, who I was always going to be.
But that was a copout. An excuse. A lame scape goat.
Change is hard and sucky and real.
It is easy to write yourself off, to accept defeat before even starting, but it was also degrading to myself.
It was sad that instead of focusing on what I could do, I was trying to tell myself to forget trying to change myself, to accept unhealthy behaviors and a negative mentality.
I would never allow that for any of my family or friends, why was I so willing to subject myself to this crap?
It took time, self-love, support from family and friends to drill into my head that it has nothing to do with who I was or what I've done in the past, but everything to do with who I want to be.
Are we still the person who we were in grade school? Junior high? High school? College?
Why is that?
Experience, change, mistakes.
Everything we have gone through, the good, the bad, mistakes, triumphs, causing pain and help healing it, forgiving, being forgiven, moving on and growing up molds us.
We grow from every experience.
Whether we wish we could forget it or not.
It is far better for us to accept who we were, who we are, the fact that we still may change, can always change, have a lot to learn and have grown from everything we have been through rather than wish away everything bad we have experienced.
I believe there are some things you may want to forget in order to heal, may need to forget.
Not that you will ever be able to forget completely, but with time you will forget enough that you are not reminded daily, in pain and losing part of who you are.
Forget. Forgive. Move on.
But never forget the lessons you learned from your experiences-good or bad-you have grown from it, you have overcome it, you are stronger for enduring.
This has been a Sunday Confession with More Than Cheese And Beer, if you haven't stopped over there yet you definitely should check her out as well as the other bloggers who joined in today.