Don't Deny Yourself Acceptance
I did not balloon up to 427 pounds in one night.
It was not a weekend of eating poorly and lazing around. It was not simple water weight or bloating that tipped my scales. It was a lifestyle that brought me to my heaviest that I denied I was living for many years.
The people in my life who loved me would bring up my weight, lovingly and honestly, asking how they could help me lose weight.
I would answer with shrugging shoulders and a chorus of 'I don't know's trying to convince them that I had no clue how I had gotten so big. I was trying to convince myself I had no clue why I was so big. Denying myself the truth, the pain, my mistakes, and my shortcomings was only hurting me.
Killing me slowly.
When I went to my doctor she would not push the issue. She would not harp on me or lecture me. She had told me I was intelligent and knew what I needed to do. She said when I was ready to move forward and take weight loss seriously she would be there for me and help me in any way she could.
In my immaturity, I took that offensively. How dare she suggest I need to lose weight. How dare she act like I wasn't doing everything I could to work towards a healthier lifestyle.
Except...I was not doing anything to improve myself. Both my mental and physical health I put on the back burner repeatedly. I spent my life putting the needs of others in front of my own. Worrying about others and their issues, telling myself I only had a few pounds to shed and I would get to it some day.
The problem with that though, is simply put Someday doesn't exist.
Someday is the imaginary closet we store our realities, dreams, problems, hopes and wishes in that we do not deal with immediately. That we never want to deal with, confront, or embrace.
It took me many years to realize I was an emotional eater. Also a bored eater. I also ate ridiculously huge portions. These eating habits are problematic on their own. All together they were a disaster.
I needed to relearn how to eat proper portions. I needed to learn how to properly deal with my emotions. I needed to open my eyes and embrace my problems, my shortcomings, and all my issues or I would not get anywhere.
Accepting our faults is a beautiful freeing experience.
It is declaring we are human, that we make mistakes. But more importantly it allows us the opportunity to assess what is truly going on in our lives. It is giving ourselves control. It gives us the opportunity to move forward, to evolve, to change, to attempt to be the best person we can be.
Admitting our problems is a huge step in moving in the right direction. Denying our problems, our pasts, our coping mechanisms are essentially denying part of ourselves. There is no way to move forward if we cannot be honest with ourselves of who we truly are.
Eating before going out to dinner with friends was a bad habit. Choosing to grab half a block of cheese and swallow my emotions was horrible to my mental and physical health. Turning away help from friends and family was wrong.
But I was not ready then to deal with my issues.
Accepting our faults is one thing but being ready to deal with them is another. I had to accept my shortcomings and learn to not hate myself for them. I spent the last few years learning how to love myself again. I learned to embrace my failures and that I was not defined by them.
My faults are only a small part of me. Focusing on how I chose to deal with them and overcome them was way more important than what the problems actually were.
I chose to do one of the hardest things in my life so I could move forward to a healthier me-I asked for help. From my doctors, from my friends, from my co-workers, from my family. I laid out my fears, my realities, my shortcomings, my problems, everything. Everything that hurt and helped me, I let my insecurities, fears, hopes and dreams slip off my tongue, past my guarded teeth and let it ricochet quickly off my lips.
And was met with enthusiasm. With love. With help. Ideas. Suggestions. Work out partners. Accountability friends. Nutrition lessons.
It was overwhelming and scary and reassuring all at once.
I have lost weight since l began this journey-36 pounds. l have learned how to properly deal with my emotions. l am relearning to eat and snack properly and appropriately. l have been met with supporters and naysayers. l still have a long, long way to go. But for the first time, in a long, long time l am on the right track.
Opening yourself up is terrifying. Laying out your problems for all to see is embarrassing. Realizing that no one can hold your faults against you once you have embraced them is liberating. Finding strength and resolve in moving forward with friends and family by your side is reaffirming to your lifestyle changes. Realizing you have the ability to change is awe-inspiring. And knowing that all this is all possible because you confronted your demons and broke out of your bubble of denial is earth shattering.
Accept who you are, no matter who you are, no matter what part of your journey you are on. Knowing who you are is an incredible strength many of us deny for far too long. Accepting ourselves with all of our wonderful characteristics and failures is a monumental moment in life. If you don't need to make any changes to who you are accept that rarity and celebrate. If you need to make some changes to be the you that you want to be, remember it starts at acceptance, not ignorance or denial.
Refuse to deny yourself anything. Even your mistakes and failures. Accept them. Embrace them. Choose to learn from them and GROW.
This has been a Sunday Confession hosted by the one, the only Hot Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer. If you haven't checked out her confession yet, do yourself a favor and head over there and see what she had to say about Denial, and while you're there check out the other wonderful writers who joined in today.