Rocking Sky High

There is a moment, that every person who has decided to turn their life around, refers to as their rock bottom moment. It is a moment that shocks the person jolting them back to reality. This moment is usually gritty, unbecoming, embarrassing, but mostly necessary, to shock them out of the lifestyle they were living.

That rock bottom moment happens I believe because, we need to be lower than we ever have before so we can rebuild our lives.

When my weight started to become a hindrance to the life I wanted to lead, it should have spurred me to change but it did not. The funny and not so funny thing is, even though you need change, you cannot and will not do a damn thing until you want to change your lifestyle.

I had many moments I would consider my rock bottom. Not just one. I was not ready to change, so I did not and let the pain and embarrassing moments pile up. Many moments, I simply joked off or grimaced through as the token obese person believing that was how I was going to spend the rest of my life.

I could no longer fit on roller coasters or any fair rides, so even though I loved the tacky, loud, neon lighted atmosphere, I refused to go anymore.

While with friends at a crowded bike event, at their urging I sat in a folding, camping, nylon chair. I insisted to sit on the ground but they would not stop badgering me so I sat in their flimsy chair. Right when I was lulled into a false sense of security, the chair decided that was when it was going to give out tossing me to the ground, in front of strangers. I was mortified and met with extreme, uncomfortable silence from my group and others in the crowd. I refused to acknowledge the humiliation right then and there but rather got up and made some self-deprecating remark and laughed, which eased everyone else.

Because I was still a people pleaser regardless of how badly I wanted to hide and cry.

Probably the moment that scarred me a little more than any of the others was a night I went to the theater with my mother to see a play. I was extremely uncomfortable dressed up and wearing make up because I felt it would draw attention to the big beast I was. At that point, besides work I rarely went out. I was nervous to go out and really despised big crowds as I always worried I would offend people with my sheer size. But my mom really wanted to go and I already paid for the tickets. We showed up at the theater, were escorted to the seats by the usher, and my mom sat down. I tried but could not. I could not force my body into the chair. I attempted to sit on the edge of the seat but it was way too uncomfortable and there was no way I was going to be able to endure that position for three hours.

My mom was oblivious to my difficulties, she was busy, enjoying the crowd, the festive contagious atmosphere, and the beauty of the theater. I tried to whisper that I had to leave, but my mom could barely hear me and smiled at me asking to repeat myself louder until I pointed at my awkward stance on the too small chair and got out through my gritted teeth, while blinking back hot tears, "TOO SMALL". Then I stormed out.

I waited outside for my mom, embarrassed and angry, convincing myself that I hated the theater anyway. My mom finally came out with a sad look on her face. She went to hug me but that made me feel even worse so I squirmed out and we walked away in silence.

I wish I could say that was the moment I decided to take back my life but it was not. It was not until a year later that I started to work at bettering myself.

I have a stronger mentality, more confidence than I have ever had, and am losing the weight.

But even though I have lost almost fifty pounds this year, and even though people have told me they can see a difference, I cannot. I simply see lots of work still ahead of me and years of neglect. I find it difficult and impossible to swallow the fact that I have made big strides, that I have lost weight, that I have turned over a new leaf, I think because fear has a cruel hold on a part of my brain.

It whispers to me that the changes I am making are short lived and eventually I will give up. That I will revert to my old lifestyle. That everyone is simply being nice to the fat girl.

Even though my measurements have changed, even though the scales are showing a smaller number, even though my doctors are encouraging and proud of me, I have been denying myself acknowledging the changes I have made, the progress I have made and simply enjoying the moment.

There are rock bottom moments, those I was well versed in. But a sky high one was rare in my book.

We snagged some free tickets to a show at the theater on this past Friday night. I was edgy all day and kept throwing out excuses to my husband and mother why I did not want to go. I was fearful of the same experience as last time, I was fearful of being so close to something I wanted to experience but not be able to, I was fearful that I had not really made any progress.

We made it to the theater and was ushered in to our seats. My mom went in first, then my husband and they seated themselves, I think once again oblivious to my internal crisis.I was having. I stood, hovering over the aisle seat, wondering if I was going to meet the same experience as before. I debated dashing out to the lobby and telling them I was sick. After what seemed like ten forevers, I forced my knees to bend, my rear to lower and encouraged my expectations not to be shattered.

And I fit.

I fit into the chair. Immediately I was brought back to the same scenario as last time, feeling awkward and hot tears threatening to spill over my too full cheeks. And I realized this was not another rock bottom moment, this was a sky high moment. I was riding my euphoria and letting the tears cascade freely, undoing any doubt I had about my progress, not caring who noticed,  realizing that I had changed my life, my reactions and my experiences.

Sometimes you need a physical reminder. People can tell you until they are blue in the face how good you are doing, but until you realize it those compliments fall on deaf ears.

I still have a long way to go. I will still meet set backs. But I was able to feel my progress, I was able to realize that my changes, my diet, my lifestyle has not been in vain. It was exactly what I needed to help me stay on track.


Popular posts from this blog

Fat Girl Diaries: Thoughts on Losing A Whole Person And Still Being Really Fat

The Last Day My Mom Was My Mom

Fat Woman Taking Erotic Photos-Scratch That: Let's Go with....Woman Taking Photos Celebrating Her Body