Finally & Thankfully
I write this snuggled with my back into my husband's side and my chihuahua curled behind my knees and I find myself comfortable in a way I have never been before. With the soothing snores of my hubby to calm the memories and thoughts racing through my brain, I realize not only am I comfortable but I am comfortable in transition.
This year has not been one of the easiest ones but almost all challenges I have encountered has been because of my own hand. At the end of last year I came to grips with the fact I was not happy with myself, with my health, and decided it was time to make some changes.
On this road to a healthier me, I have found I have simultaneously been traveling the road to self-discovery. Funny thing, when I set out on this journey I never thought I was going to learn who I was, I simply thought I could change who I was.
But how could I change who I was...but not have an idea of who I was meant to be? Or who I really was?
Time and time again, I have surprised myself with my dedication, endurance, failures, and determination to keep going. I never knew I could wipe myself off and start again so easily.
When you never try you never know.
I foolishly spent a good part of my adult life accepting my weight, my poor eating habits, my unwillingness to change as my inability to change. When I started working out and trying to eat better I had no clue what I was doing. It was easy for me to throw in the towel after failed attempts. But this nagging little voice kept urging me to keep going. So I did. I wanted to keep going, to push myself farther, to see how far I could actually go.
When I started working out in December of last year, it took me over an hour to walk a mile. Almost an hour and a half. I should emphasize that the term'walk' should be loosely used here. I panted, doubted myself and stopped a lot when I was 'walking'. But I kept going. When I did the Color Run 5k in August of this year I finished it in an hour. Progress.
Progress I could not see. Would not see. I fought accepting it even when people told me they could tell I was losing weight. I was still uncomfortable with who I was...or who I was becoming.
I never knew I was a person who blossomed with encouragement. I kept my desires to get healthy quiet. I made self-deprecating jokes at my own expense to signal I knew how big I was and that I did not need pity-or help. I chose to start my journey loudly this time. Telling anyone who would hear me that I was ready for change, that I was hungry for change. Not to draw attention to myself but to be held accountable to my words.
Friends and co-workers stepped up immediately and asked to buddy up. Track our weights. Offer moral support. Gave compliments. Started a fire under my ass when I let it sit too long. Offered healthy snacks. Suggested healthy and active get togethers like 5ks. They loved me through this choice and change. With their encouragement I wanted to keep going. Even when it sucked. Even when I hit my plateau. Even when I did not want to-because I had others who believed in me. Which in turn, helped me believe in me.
This past Wednesday, December 24th, 2014 I was at the gym, rocking my treadmill when I happened to notice I was at a mile and a half way and under a hour.
One and a half miles in 38 minutes.
So far from where I started. Sweaty, sticky, gross and shaky, I did the douchiest thing, I grabbed my phone and took a picture. I needed that. Needed to reflect on those numbers. Needed to see it after I was out of the gym. To process it, to absorb it, to accept that I was making progress.
To show myself a year can make a helluva difference.
I may have started out quiet and unsure of where I am going but I am ending this year loud and unconcerned where I will end up. I am more concerned of who I am becoming. How I am getting there. If I am happy with my choices.
This journey began because I wanted to be healthier and I am. But not only physically. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually I am stronger than I have ever hoped to be.
I keep saying that I know I still have a long way to go and that is not to minimize the success I have made. Rather, it is to remind myself I am a work in progress, I am still evolving and need to keep my fires going so I can finish this transformation.
I am in transition.
I am not who I was, a woman who could barely walk for ten minutes without needing to sit, a woman who was content with doing nothing to make her life better, a woman who was afraid to live and embrace a little challenge.
When I peer into a mirror, I can now see the subtle changes in my body. Finally. It took me a long time to accept it. But I can see my slimmer face. My underwear are falling off. My bra is too big. But more importantly, I feel different. I feel energized and motivated. I notice I do not mind taking the stairs or walking to the farthest part of the parking lot.
I am learning. I am loving life. I am changing and choosing to move forward into an unknown future. Thankfully. Into an unknown self. I will fail. I will want to give up but luckily I have learned I respond to encouragement, that I have an amazing support system and that I am a stubborn ass who wants to keep going.
I am not who I am suppossed to be yet. I am who I am now-a messy transition, pushing herself forward, embracing life and change and okay with where I am.
Not just pretending to be. No forced smile. No uncomfortable jokes about myself. Not upset and wishing I should have said something, would have tried something. Not trying to minimize myself or blend into the wall.
After 30 years on this amazing blue marble, I find myself loud, bright and comfortable with where I am on this journey and who I am.
Finally and thankfully.