Opened Up

There is never a clock in exam rooms. Old magazines, resource flyers, anxiety and fear are always abundant but never a clock to wait with you. I think, at times, that the consistent ticking and tocking of the clock would comfort me, soothe me. With each second the hand makes its voyage to become a minute, it would take me on a journey to a calm and collected land. It would help me focus and assuage my fears no matter how silly they may be. It would remind me that life moves forward even when we may be scared of the future.

I sat waiting for my provider to turn the handle she had many times before. The handle she had turned time and time again with other patients, to give them wonderful news, to deliver crushing realities, to ask them to bare themselves and pull their butt to the end of the table so she can get inside them in a way we become uncomfortably comfortable with over the years.

Maybe the clock in the room would not bring solace but irritation. Tick, tick, ticking away the moments when you are anxious to find out news. Maybe it would lead me to a land of impatience and anger. Thinking of all the time I've wasted in this room. In other rooms just like this where I've been poked, prodded and spread apart with no shame, no merriment or fulfilment of good or happy news.

My blood pressure was slightly elevated. I have been nervous lately. I haven't lost the weight. Without losing weight she wouldn't help me have a baby. I get it. Really I do. I'm extremely overweight, insulin resistant, have a family history of cardiovascular and stroke disease-she wants me to be as healthy as possible before attempting to conceive again or trying other fertility methods.

I just felt like a failure.

I couldn't stop but think....if one of my biggest hindrances to conceiving is my weight and I am not shedding it like I should be does that mean deep down I don't want children? I know what I want, what I desire, but if my actions aren't in concordance with my desires won't that show her I am not serious?

There are women in my life who tell me I should not talk about fertility issues. That I should not be open about my struggles because I may embarrass myself or my husband. By sharing my struggles I am focusing on the bad in my life and not praising the good. Except here's the thing, I accept the good and bad alike. I joyfully praise the good I am blessed with and reflect on the bad or unsavory parts of life and use them as an opportunity to learn.

Hiding what I am going through does nothing for me. Opening myself up, sharing my fears, my failures, my goals for my future has helped me form an amazing support system of family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

Having a support system that raises me up when I feel like giving up is precious and priceless.

Being open and honest with those who annoyingly tease and ask why there aren't little ones running around yet is freeing. Not having to tiptoe or beat around the bush is satisfying. Although sometimes, it is just as freeing and satisfying to tell a nosey mosey we don't want to talk about it in a completely nondefensive way and feel content because we are open with people in our lives who are genuinely interested and there for us.

Finally, the door opened. We talked openly and frankly. Although I had not lost weight I had lost inches from our last visit. She reminded me that things take time and I am still down from the first time I met with her. She pulled her stool awkwardly close, sitting knee to knee with me, staring right into my soul and spoke directly to my heart  and told me she believed I was on the cusp of a breakthrough and will be shedding weight soon. She let me know she would do whatever she could to help us meet our goal.

She stood, signaling the end of our appointment. Her hand rested on the handle of the door, this door that has ushered many happy smiles out of this small room and into the world, this door that had been shut delicately allowing someone to cry away from everyone else before having to brave the world like nothing earth shattering had happened. Her hand twitched, ready to turn, to head to another patient, another story, but before leaving she urged to me call and ask if I had any questions about our plan or medications.

As I gathered my wallet and got ready to go back to work, I realized it was exactly what I needed, an open environment where questions and concerns were welcome. Where learning happens. Where I can be myself and comfortable in my own skin and not feel silly by asking or suggesting ideas. Where I do not need to focus on my past but the possibility of the future.

When I was checking out I glanced up at the nondescript black and white clock, and realized I had only been there twenty minutes. It felt like I had just got there and an eternity all at once. I let the ticking tame my soul, taking me forward to the rest of my day, ushering me to my future, towards my possibilities, one moment at a time.

This has been a Sunday Confession with the lovely Ash from More Than Cheese And Beer. Today's prompt was open. Please stop by the link-up and see how our lovely hostess and the other bloggers tackled the prompt. And as always, Happy Sunday.


  1. You are the most kind, loving, and compassionate person I have ever met. Just wait it will come! You are also one of the strongest women on the face of this earth. Your husband is one of the best men I have ever met. You got this! And if not I will find you a baby! But I know it won't have to come to that!

    1. My hubby is pretty cool. So are you. I'm glad you're part of my family. Thank you love ❤

  2. Infertility is a painful and difficult path. I started not talking about it, but it just felt like I was hiding something that I shouldn't be ashamed of. Then I started openly discussing it, but it opened me up to not just support but ignorance and painful reactions too. Once the pendulum swung back to the center and I had made some thoughtful decisions as to who I chose to discuss it with and who I did not, I found the balance was exactly what I needed.
    I'll be thinking of you as you continue to walk this path.

    1. It's amazing and eye opening to realize who you can and cannot talk to about issues. Some friends become trusted vaults while others become land mines to avoid because you can't bear to hear their well-meaning advice or not meant but nonetheless cruel quips. Thanks Karen ❤

  3. Weight loss is difficult. It doesn't go on overnight, and it won't come off overnight. You've got this. I'm here, if you need to talk. Infertility is awful, but you're determined. That's the biggest part to defeating it. You'll be a great Mama. Hugs to you. Beautiful piece.

    1. 50 down so far. 50 more to go-it may seem daunting but since I've already done it this past year I just need to get back on track and keep forging forward. Thank you Jules ❤

  4. This may sound blunt but I think there aren't any clocks in doctor's offices because they don't want patients to notice how long the wait is till they are being seen. Your doc sound like a wise and kind person though.
    I had trouble conceiving as well. A friend once asked me where the baby was going to sleep. "In the guest room" I said. She politely pointed out that the so called guest room was the room where we dumped all the stuff we didn't know where else to put. "As long as you don't make room for that baby physically and mentally, he is not gonna wanna live here" she said. Hmmm.
    It made total sense. But I was so busy at work and I hate cleaning up so much that I didn't tackle that room for a long time.
    I guess what Im saying is, take the time you need to lose weight and get healthy and ready! Oh, and don't listen to people who mean well and give you "good advice" ;-) Hugs!

    1. Yes it most definitely is why they're not in there 😉 It was just my starting's funny how something like a clock can cause something to click and help you write out your feelings.

      It does make total sense! And I'm good at ignoring the "advice givers" at this point 😉

      Thank you my friend-hugs back ❤

  5. My heart goes out to you, Jenn. Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of; so many people experience it. I will be thinking of you and pray for good news.

    You got this.

  6. Sending you lots of HUGS and good thoughts!!
    Whenever I share something painful, I always do so in hope that it will help someone else. It helps others to know that are not alone in what they are going through.
    I think it's wonderfully brave of you.

    1. If one person can relate that's all that matters...if not at least it was cathartic to write it out. Thank you Stacy and hugs back to you!

  7. My heart beams for your strength and aches for your struggle all at once. I'm glad that you chose to be open with your journey in this piece, it gives me more insight into what my sister will go through when she makes to commitment to try and conceive. Her weight, her ovarian cysts, blood pressure, and diabetes will have the same effect. If there's anything I csn ever do to help support your plans or lend you some strength to make it through a hurdle, I'm here for you! Congrats on the progress that you have made! No matter how small it may seem to you, even awkward, unsteady baby steps, progress should be celebrated!!! Keep up the hard work and keep writing beautiful pieces!

    1. Thank you my friend for your uplifting words!

      It sounds like your sister has PCOS too? I feel her struggle and much love to her as well.

      Thank you my favorite angrivated peep ❤

  8. Such an honest and real post - I wish you every success in all of this.


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