Secret Subject Swap: June 5th, 2015
Hello and the happiest of Friday's to you! Welcome to June's Secret Subject Swap. This week 16 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style.
Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.
My prompt is: “My blood ran cold"- share a terrifying moment.
It was submitted by: Battered Hope -thanks Carol!
Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:
My blood ran cold when I saw the message from you. When I clicked on the little red notification I was expecting a goofy message from one of my girlfriend's but instead I saw you. There you were intruding in my life, again after all these years. I felt violated and terrified by your simple black block words scrolling across the too bright white message screen.
I was terrified that now you knew I saw your message because the damn 'seen' would populate on your screen. You asked my maiden name...and if it was really me. I said nothing. I turned my phone off and cried myself to sleep.
21 years later you still have that affect on me. Some bastards have that gift. And the sick part is, you probably don't think of me even a millionth of how much I have thought of you. On my first date, in my nightmares, on my wedding night, when my husband kisses me, and countless other occasions somehow you are revived and crash into me, destroy me all over again and sicken me to my core.
Do you know how many times I have not been able to make love to somebody I truly love because you ruined a part of me? Too many.
And you had the nerve to message me.
I woke the next morning, not well rested as my night terrors had returned but I reached for my phone.
Hesitation set in.
Instead of swiping the screen to see a text from my love I stared at a black screen remembering I powered down my phone to shut you out. To shut out any words you may have for me after all this time. I laughed to hold back the tears thinking how dumb I was to let some creep who took my innocence still control me after all these years. How dare I give him mind space, how dare I let him make me feel scared and insecure...how dare I chastise myself for feeling my feelings.
I turned on the phone.
I texted my husband back and thanked him for loving me in my brokenness. He simply sent back a smiley face with a heart. I debated going on Facebook. Did I have the guts to see what he said? Did I need to see what he said? Did he even have the right to talk to me?
I didn't know.
For a while I sat, holding my pink phone, clutching this relatively small object, feeling the immense pressure it was putting on me. I could not read your messages yet. Instead, I searched you.
I clicked and scrolled through your profile pictures. Picture after picture of a good looking man smiling at the camera. Some artistic, some lame, some...hot. I couldn't help feel betrayed by my own body when I felt an attraction to you. I noticed your perfect abs you openly displayed in a douchey picture where you held your shirt up with a Cheshire cat grin plastered on your perfect face. Besides sickened my my superficial attraction to you I was sickened by the way I began to feel about myself, about my looks, about my weight.
You have no clue how much you undid me with your dumb message.
I read your words, which I am sure you know, but I wouldn't respond. I reread your words. I couldn't respond. I rereread your words. I didn't want to respond.
You apologized as if you had simply pushed me down during a tiff and I skinned my knee.
You violently violated and stole a piece of my heart and soul when I was a child. I searched for that everywhere. In the seediest, creepiest places, I crawled and begged for a piece of myself back. I however only kept trading my dignity for a few moments of acceptance, false love and adoration. I was so lost for a long time...I blamed myself for what you took from me. I felt shamed, I woke drenched in sweat in the middle of the night for years certain your hot breath was on my neck and your hands were holding me down, I felt responsible as if I could have persuaded you out...of being you.
You said you found your God and you wanted to apologize for the sins you committed and you had been looking for me for years. You said you wanted to make things right. You said you're a changed man and you won't ever hurt anyone like you hurt me again. You said a lot but I didn't give a shit because you know what?
I found my God too.
My God is in everyone who loved me when I was searching for me. My God has patient eyes and loving arms to wrap around my body when I shook with tears as a confused child. She loved me and tried to help navigate me though my pain and searching for answers.
My God listens to my fears and lit many paths letting me know which ever journey I chose was fine as long as it was my own.
My God welcomes me with open arms and loves me when I'm sad. He wakes me with gentle kisses and accepts my freak outs as a normal part of life.
Your apology was not for me. It was for you-to clear your conscience, an attempt to start fresh, a slate you wanted to wipe clean but I simply cannot help you.
I am still in the process of finding myself, rejoicing in my skin, and trying to move on and eradicate the memory of you from my mind.
There was no right way or wrong way to respond to the way you reached out to me.
Maybe there are braver women, kinder women, more peaceful women who could accept your apology.
I am honest enough to say, I am not one of those women. Maybe in the future, just maybe I can and will forgive you. But still, believe it or not, it is too soon.