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Showing posts from 2016

Thank You For Being Here

Maybe it was the way the twinkly, white, Christmas lights shined from the tree? Festive, bright and happy and refusing to be dulled.  Maybe it was the merriment and bustling of people coming in the house? They were bringing contagious joy with them when they entered. Maybe it was delicious beer that sobered my soul and helped me take a breath in and accept my surroundings,  the love, my life and feel completely happy in that moment? I am not sure what exactly it was. For the first time in quite a while, I was happy to be alive. And really happy I did not kill myself as I had intended two months ago. I wish that did not sound so dramatic. I wish that did not sound so sad. But that is what truth sounds like.  That's what my truth sounds like for this part of my life. High functioning depression. That's really a thing. A thing I have. I tend to do allthethings and do them allthetime. I take care of my mom,  work full time, volunteer constantly and for many organizations, offer my…

Ungrateful Isn't Ugly

It is that time of year when the leaves are crunchy,  air is crisp,  and we find ourselves...overwhelmed with everything. You name it, and we got that monkey on our back, as the end of the year nears the pressure is on. Work, school, homework, inclement weather, sickness, children, finances and of course impending holidays. But every corner we turn tends to have a jolly soul reminding us that we must be thankful for the abundant blessings in our lives.Sometimes, people may misconstrue if we do not shout our praises and thanks, that we are ungrateful. That, however, is not always the case.Abundant blessings? Not all of us are blessed with support,  love, necessities, materialistic items, or  -insert whatever else- that would make our souls satiated. Some of us are trying to continue with this eggshell fine existence where yes at this exact moment everything is okay but all the pieces and parts that are creating the picture are desperately clinging to one another in a fragile and anxiou…

Crawling Away

There is no shame in going after what you want or so I've heard.But. What if you're the thing that's wanted and you have no desire to be pursued? But.You're so used to giving in that even though it's rotting your soul to say no,  you do, because that's what will set you free ultimately. Yet, that no you worked so hard to muster up? Yeah, that falls on self-made deaf ears. They can't hear the no...they simply hear the roar of their narcissistic self-cheerleading to go after what makes them happy.Because,  well their happiness is all that fucking matters.So, you say no.  And this game unfolds, one you never intended to play. There's boring banter, sad stupid words and your smile doesn't reach your eyes because you're simply trying to placate this happiness seeker til you can plan your escape.But.Escape doesn't come quickly, because they've played this game before. You're just a novice up against a card shark.  And you know what they…

August 12, 2016: Use Your Words

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used themI’m using:       Wonderment ~ Octopus ~ Anyone ~ Organic ~ CottonThey were submitted by:   The sweet and amazing Jules from The Bergham Chronicles !Collateral damage. 'Damage inflicted on an unintended target', is what most people associate with it,  but I don't think that's all it pertains to really.Unintended target makes it seem like there was a sea of people maimed or done wrong by a comp…

Secret Subject Swap: August 5th, 2016

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 13 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.  Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there: Baking In A Tornado                   http://www.BakingInATornado.com The Bergham Chronicles           http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com  Spatulas on Parade                http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com Dinosaur Superhero Mommy       http://dinoheromommy.com/ The Diary of an Alzheimer’s Caregiver    http://www.thediaryofanalzheimerscaregiver.com/blog.html Southern Belle Charm               http://www.southernbellecharm.com Confessions of a part time working mom  http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo                http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ The Lieber Family Blog�������…

July Use Your Words

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Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now. At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them.  My words are:: blanket ~ heat ~ hurt ~ leaves ~ hear ~ seem They were submitted by, the one, the only, the hostess with the mostess Miss Karen fromhttp://Bakinginatornado.com

Lately it seems this world is on fire. The heat from the palpable pain and hurt is strong enough to burn the compassion right out of our souls. It seems, as every day passes, that when we flip on the news, go on social media, listen to th…

Questions and Kindness

She asked for another blanket. 

I did not blame her, my mom was lying on the uncomfortable emergency room gurney, with a thin gown that no matter how you tied it-it tended to open in the back welcoming drafts up and down her backside, with the fierce air conditioner blasting on her. Normally we love the air conditioning that combats the heat, but not that day, not when she was feeling crummy and out of it. I wasn't going to buzz the nurse for a blanket, I could see they were beyond busy. I just went to the cabinet, grabbed her another blankie and cuddled her in another one. It is hard to shut off that instinct to help when you know you can, that caretaker mode does not shut off, even when you are in a capable place dedicated to caring for people, that nagging feeling of wanting to help never leaves you.

She was not hurt, she was not in pain or discomfort, she was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Actually, she was recently discharged from the hospital three days prior for a serio…

Dedicated to the In Between Me's

Recently, I read a snippet of a book dedication that said, "To everyone who thinks I'm writing about you-I am". To me, that line resonated within these weary bones. Maybe it was meant in jest, maybe in love, maybe a wink or inside joke-or maybe...maybe it was the straight up truth. Maybe the author recognized that stranger's could connect and find themselves alive in well written words or maybe it was everyone the writer ever met. Maybe the author realized that every person they ever had an encounter with helped shape them, their being, their essence, their mood, and yes even their writing no matter how small an impact they had.Currently,I am in between me's. I have one foot shackled to the comfortable, familiar, darkness while the other is toe-tapping in the uncertainty of blinding light. I'm struggling to stay the same and accept the fact that there is a phoenix begging to burst forth from my soul. 'I haven't been writing much lately', is how I …

In My Best Friends' Beds

I asked him first if I could sleep in his bed. I didn't want to be weirder...well, weirder than normal. He laughed and told me to go for it. After he went to work, I (still in my foggy tequila haze) dragged my sleeping bag and pillow and crawled into his bed. The light rudely burst through his bedroom window challenging my ability to sleep in. I, luckily, persevered. I fell back alseep until ten in his comfy bed and before I forced myself up and into a world of overwhelming thoughts and decisions that weighed on my heart-I laid there a couple minutes longer. I traced the wrinkles in his sheets,  allowing myself to get caught up in wondering about his every day routine-musing if he had a set day to wash his sheets, if he always skipped breakfast, and what days he liked to grocery shop. I felt the purr of his cat calmly vibrate my thigh, until of course I tried to pet said cat and he violently hissed at me, such a dick-just like his owner. It was nice to get lost in someone else'…

You Want To Cheer Me Up? No, thanks.

You want to cheer me up? 

Yeah...thanks I am going to pass on that. 

No seriously. I don't need cheering up. I need time to sort and sift through the shattering of a life I am not sure I have ever fully embraced. If you want to get me back to being me or help me find the real me then you are going to have to let me cut myself on the fragmented pretty parts of my life that have splintered into unrecognizable elements that had neatly been compartmentalized for too long before I can suture them up with hope for a better reality. 

I can handle your cheering, your support, your encouragement to 'get better', but please understand I do not need a weak attempt at 'lightening my mood'. I need to be me. 

It is not that I do not appreciate your short-sighted, shallow attempt to fix a bigger problem that is raging inside my soul, but I kind of have this feeling that I should probably work through the feelings that are eating away at my will to simply exist in this world. 

No, I ge…

No. No Is Okay.

Hi.It's me.The girl who used to say yes to everything. Seriously, to everything. Yes, even that. If it made someone else happy, I would eagerly agree, trading my wants for their smiles believing their happiness was worth more than...well my worth. I felt indebted to others. Indebted because they simply allowed me into their worlds, their lives, their existence on this crazy bluish-green marble swirling around this universe.Unfortunately, somewhere along the way I forgot that this world was mine as well, that every inch my feet claimed for their own was not a misstep, that I actually belonged where I stood. So, I did what many others do, I overcompensated. I tried to prove my worth, I tried to show I belonged, I tried to create the illusion that I was irreplaceable.Life has a funny way of reminding you, though, that everyone is replaceable.Could I babysit? Yes.
Could I loan them money? Yes.
Could I volunteer? Yes.
Could I raise money for another fundraiser? Yes.
Would I be on a new…