You Want To Cheer Me Up? No, thanks.

You want to cheer me up? 

Yeah...thanks I am going to pass on that. 

No seriously. I don't need cheering up. I need time to sort and sift through the shattering of a life I am not sure I have ever fully embraced. If you want to get me back to being me or help me find the real me then you are going to have to let me cut myself on the fragmented pretty parts of my life that have splintered into unrecognizable elements that had neatly been compartmentalized for too long before I can suture them up with hope for a better reality. 

I can handle your cheering, your support, your encouragement to 'get better', but please understand I do not need a weak attempt at 'lightening my mood'. I need to be me. 

It is not that I do not appreciate your short-sighted, shallow attempt to fix a bigger problem that is raging inside my soul, but I kind of have this feeling that I should probably work through the feelings that are eating away at my will to simply exist in this world. 

No, I get it. You want to see me smile. You want hear me crack jokes and make inappropriate innuendos. You want to see me participate and get back to being the old me that held tightly to the illusion that everything would be fine if I kept trudging along with my head down. You want me to make you feel less uncomfortable by pretending to be something that I am not. 

However, I am not willing to do that anymore. 

My soul has been awakened to what was, what is, and what could be-and I cannot go back to merely surviving in this world. I want to live. Really live. 

It hurts to be awake. But the hurt does not last forever. Regret does, though, and I refuse to participate in my life by making conscious decisions that I will regret. 

So when you say you want to cheer me up? Every damn time babe, I am going to tell you no and not so respectfully, if need be, because I need to respect myself by being real to me. 

There is nothing wrong with this darkness that my little light has permeated. There is nothing wrong with not feeling up to putting on a facade for other people's comfort. There is nothing wrong with being level with the Dead Sea in my journey at this point in my life. It is a low point. And I am okay with that.  
Eventually, I am going to make it to my summit. I am going to climb the shit out of my own Everest and scream with only the joy that lungs of victory and strained sinew can enunciate ever so clearly. 

But in the meantime, I am going to be here, in the muck, in the mire, in the darkness, trekking, fully aware of my surroundings, refusing to ignore them anymore. 


Comments

  1. I don't want you to be the old you, that feels like stagnation. I do wish you a safe journey. I wish you peace, no matter what it takes to get there.
    I won't try to cheer you up, but I hope you can feel me cheering you on.

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    Replies
    1. Karen, you always know what to say-thank you for always being a supporter. <3

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  2. It hurts to be awake. But the hurt does not last forever. Regret does, though, and I refuse to participate in my life by making conscious decisions that I will regret.


    That is beautiful and amazing and I love it as much as I love you. I am seriously in awe.

    You do you and I'll be here if you want or need me but I will never expect you to go back room how things were. Might even kick your ass. Do your doom and gloom if that's what you need. I will not however met you totes shut me out because I miss any form of you far too much for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love you too my friend. Thank you for reading-and being there. <3

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  3. Happy to have found you. Just stopping in from a fall on your ass, fall on your face hike in the winter cold that Karen shared on her site. Loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for stopping by Barbara! I do fall on my ass splendidly...😉

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