Crawling Away

There is no shame in going after what you want or so I've heard.

But.

What if you're the thing that's wanted and you have no desire to be pursued?

But.

You're so used to giving in that even though it's rotting your soul to say no,  you do, because that's what will set you free ultimately.

Yet, that no you worked so hard to muster up? Yeah, that falls on self-made deaf ears. They can't hear the no...they simply hear the roar of their narcissistic self-cheerleading to go after what makes them happy.

Because,  well their happiness is all that fucking matters.

So, you say no.  And this game unfolds, one you never intended to play. There's boring banter, sad stupid words and your smile doesn't reach your eyes because you're simply trying to placate this happiness seeker til you can plan your escape.

But.

Escape doesn't come quickly, because they've played this game before. You're just a novice up against a card shark.  And you know what they'll do if you don't give them what they want?

They'll break your legs so you can't walk.

And you realize that this quest for happiness is really just one for control. Your 'no's' are blocked out to fuel their sick version of winning. They use that no that you choked out so fiercely, my love, as a sound track (blared on repeat) so they can get hyped , one to dance to....one that they think they will know all the lyrics to and plan to dominate eventually.

But.

There you are. Still new. Apprehension building. Still learning. Realization dawning.  Still mewing the no on your soft lips.

He laughs.

And you run.

No has never meant anything to him. He's had this planned way before you were in the picture. Because,  he's a winner and he goes after what he wants regardless of if it's a prize up for grabs or not.

So.

You look for that escape and wish to God that you would have paid closer attention to the exits when coming into this maze. You scan every crevice wondering why he is so persistent when pleasure isn't anywhere in his vocabulary, he only knows destruction. You wait with baited breath hoping he doesn't find your hiding spot, your only solace in this cat and mouse game. However,  the moment you let your guard down, he snatches you upright.

He sucks in his breath through his teeth, demanding you straighten your spine. He roughly pulls your shoulders back,  tips your chin up, has you put your legs together and smugly walks away. He wants to see you stand tall...before he makes you fall.

Then, you hear it.

The whistle of his sledge hammer slicing the stagnant air. And with a sickening confirmation in your gut you already know where it's going. You try to brace yourself, but there's never quite been a preparation perfected for having your knees bashed out by a psychopath. The heavy hammer powers through your skin and sinew like you were nothing more than a piece of paper.

You crumble.

Not gracefully,  not artistically,  you shatter and scream, you break and are bent in the most awkward angles, you ugly cry with snot running all over your face and realize that you've never felt this kind of pain before.

But.

You are alive, even if barely so. You survived.  You may not feel victorious in this moment, but you are.

He does not own you.
He cannot control you.
He cannot break you.

There you are. Surviving amidst a pile of ridiculous pain. Here's your opportunity to look for those exits again.

You can't run, you can't walk, but you can still move forward.  You can crawl your way out, in pain, over the jagged rocks and towards a better place for you.

I lied when I said you weren't a prize earlier.

He wanted the flimsy,  shiny Cracker Jack sticker that he could happily wear on his pleather jacket, that he would gleefully show off to people in between ape- like poundings of his chest that clearly proved his strength and prowess

You are a prize love.

But not a prize for him.

You're the best prize out there. A prize he will never get his grubby paws on again. A prize he will never even know the value of- because he only wanted the cheap stuff. He never realized your worth ran deep, your strength was solid and your determination was untouchable. He did not know the minute he tried to break you down was the minute your soul would rear up and remember you were never meant to be  tamed.

Crawl on friend.

Leave that piece of shit behind in a world where he thought he could control a situation and disregard your disengagement and your rejection.

Go slow, as you are a new you, and find your way out to a better day. Go quickly if you can endure the pain,  just....go.

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