Unequivocally Sucky. But? Still Going.
"Sometimes, it just sucks. It really sucks and I don’t know what to say or how to feel."
Me too, mom.
I promise with all the might I am mustering into this façade of prettily mascared eyes that shrewdly scans my sacred planner that’s chock full of color-coded highlighted appointments and a face that nods when needed and asks the pertinent questions, I do not know what to do or say anymore sometimes either.
Typically, we share the happy moments, the goofy grins, the exuberance of attacking the day. But even my mom, my mom who has the insane tenacity for loving the most out of each day and cherishing even the mundane moments, gets tired and needs a break.
After being told we weren’t a candidate for Hospice, then being told we could be a patient if we 'really wanted', then an angel disguised as a nurse who insisted mom's chart get reviewed at the next committee review we were told, with a resounding ohmygoodnessyessheisacandidatewhywasntsheapatientsooner yes, we are now fully under Hospice care.
That means, we are seeking comfort not treatment. We are choosing to make the most out of her days. Hospice is our go to now. If something happens, we no longer call 911 we call Hospice immediately. She is not getting poked and prodded every week for the extensive labs ordered by all her different doctors. She will not be having follow up appointments every month regarding issues on her multiple organs that are failing or are pretty close to failing. We are not running around to multiple specialists, constantly going into Urgent Care or ER when issues arise like they tend to do. We will not spend time wondering who to turn to or when to turn to them. We are not focusing on reconciling tons of meds…we are actually eliminating many that are not absolutely needed. We…are choosing to live again.
Of course, that means we are looking at life differently. Or, more accurately, we are finally looking and accepting death differently. Whether we have 3 months or 17 more years, we are learning ourselves, finding our voices, embracing our wants and desires, and being painfully honest, that we have no clue what is around the corner and that….is okay.
Actually, I don’t know if it is okay. Everyone keeps saying it's okay and that these emotions we are processing and dealing with are 'normal' but man, I will tell you what, it certainly does not feel that way.
We are in foreign territory right now and there is no embassy or dignitary in sight. No matter how helpful people are trying to be, no matter how many cheerful quotes or scripture that gets tossed our way, no matter the almost always positive demeanor we both have-there are moments that are real, gripping, and overwhelming that seize our souls with fear.
Maybe, we have spent too much of our lives telling everyone we are okay, choosing to tuck our emotions away like one would the wayward strand of hair that tries to free itself from behind a freckled ear. Maybe…we thought that we could get by without introspectively investigating and processing emotions while our hearts were being ripped out. And maybe, we were simply trying to spare each other more pain by refusing to admit that we were in pain. Because the thing that hurts worst in this world, is knowing and accepting that someone you love is emotionally suffering and there is nothing you can truly do about it.
On those days when we cannot force a smile, on those days where we no longer hold back the tears, on those days where we just do not know what to say or do, we are no longer limiting ourselves to 'acting' a certain way. We are allowing ourselves to say it sucks because, sometimes we cannot avoid that reality.
Then, we dust ourselves off and we choose to keep going. There is still too much life to be lived even when the crappy days catch us off guard.