Showing posts from July, 2017

Swimming At Midnight, But Not In Self-Doubt

It was the middle of a beautiful star filled night in the middle of North Carolina country and my family was drinking, laughing, simply enjoying themselves on vacation like you are supposed to do. The vibe was laid back and chill. One would even call it picturesque.  And off to the side there sat your lonesome sparkly poetic weirdo writer, in my jean capris sipping water wondering how to excuse myself quietly and not disturb the fun going on to go check on my mom. 
Mom wanted to stay back at the cabin and my mind...well my mind replays every incident that we have ever encountered. The incidents where I found her unresponsive in her room, waking up to her screaming in pain because she didn't use her walker fell hard, or her wandering around confused because her toxins had raised in her body. To be clear, I am fully aware that I am high strung.  I plan, organize and triple-check medications, creams, plan out possible outrageous scenarios-because we have lived them, and do not know ho…

Sunday Confession: Fall

Last Sunday, I spent a few hours on a slightly treacherous trail after some recent rain. Honestly, I probably spent more time picking myself up from my numerous falls and spills than actually hiking I'm fairly certain. In the beginning of my hiking journey, I was terrified to fall. Absolutely terrified.I would stick to 'safe' trails and cut a walk or hike short if it seemed too challenging. Better to get in a few steps and be done than risk hurting myself was the mantra I sheepishly abided. In doing that though, I never challenged myself.Those were the days that I never allowed myself me.There is a person within all of us that we have not met yet. They can only emerge after we have been utterly destroyed and irrevocably changed. They are the phoenix waiting to be reborn. Perhaps, that person is someone we have always longed to be, perhaps they are someone we never thought we could be. Either way, they exist in the depths of our souls and will introduce us to our…

Sunday Confessions: Brown

Profusely, I thanked the Hospice nurse for coming out so late to look at mom's hand which with its doubled in size look, hot to the touch, and redness I was betting on cellulitis. Again. "That's why we're here. Thank you for calling", she smiled and handed me a script for a strong antibiotic to help get it cleared up. She took a moment, charted in her laptop, gathered her stuff, and headed to the door then stopped. "I really do enjoy talking to your mom-and you. You ladies make everything fun, even in the not so fun times", then she exited my front door.  I watched her walk down the ramp and safely get into her car. Then I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my purse so I could run to our trusty 24 hour Walgreens down the road, in the middle of the night, so we could get her started on the antibiotic and bring her relief.Right before I handed over the script to the pharmacist I froze momentarily when I noticed the stamp that read, "Patient with Termina…

Use Your Words: July 14th, 2017

Hello and happy Friday! Today's writing adventure is one where a group of fun and amazing bloggers get together and are given between 4-6 words that they need to use in their blog. They can use it any which way they want as long a they work in those words. At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 
I’m using:  Hard work ~ Stone ~ Hair ~ Limelight
They were submitted by:  The Bergham Chronicles Thanks Jules! :)

A half-eaten cup of chili in a cardboard container, I can see how it doesn’t look like much.
But really, it is so much more than that.
After a long week, all the days and weeks seem long lately, I needed a moment to relax. In the middle of the workday I did not think it was possible. Momentarily, I stared outside admiring the sun shining down and paid for my chili wondering the last time I took a lunch-you know a real lunch, away from the desk, not on a conference cal…

It Was Me

It's not you, it's me.
Those words used to swirl in my head and keep me up at night. Constantly, anxiously, they were analyzed and debated about how cheesy they were and if they were a cop-out. 
But the last time I tasted them while savoring each syllable, it was realized, they were not a mere excuse. They were the truth.
It was never you. It was me.  
There was never a time I could make you be someone you were not. You were not ready to evolve, to mature, to move forward with life and love and be a better person. Sitting in misery was okay for date night, angry retorts and debasing words were fore-play, and spreading toxicity to every facet of our lives was the ultimate form of intimacy. 
It was me who decided that I needed to search for my self-worth. 
It was me who vowed to vanquish self-doubt and nurse my numb and bruised heart back to health. 
It was me who chose to let go and lift myself up. It was me who said good bye to toxic relationships and overused lame excuses for hol…