Showing posts from 2018

Fat Woman Taking Erotic Photos-Scratch That: Let's Go with....Woman Taking Photos Celebrating Her Body

Disgusted with my fat rolls that prominently hung over my hips, disgruntled with my gut that graciously protruded and repulsed by my pendulous breasts that have lost so much firmness and roundness I snapped a picture in sheer frustration and anger in the unflattering, bright dressing room lights. Everything I had tried on brought me closer to a break down. To say I struggle with my self-image is an understatement. Couple that with trying to find some articles of clothing that I could wear to feel 'sexy' or confident in front of a camera left me spiraling out of control and shaking with anxiety and chiding myself for thinking that I was even remotely ready to have photos documenting this mess of me.

My eyes were glued to the image on the phone.
There I was, shirtless with exposed saggy breasts, skin bunched in my abdomen, and a defeated frown on my face with tears threatening to fall in my glistening eyes. I hit 'send' to my photographer with whom I had a session schedu…

Hiking To Happiness? Nah, Just Finding My Own Trail

2 years ago today, I hiked my last mile to total 100 miles in 2016 at Hoffmaster. It was a rotten year, I was at my highest weight over 450 pounds, I was healing from a lot of emotional wounds yet...I met a goal that I didn't think I could. It was a struggle, I fought with myself a lot but...kept going, one step at a time. That's all it took, one step at a time lead me to meeting my goal. 👣👐 Hiking gives me time to think, to pray, to reflect, to be me...all while blazing my own trail. It doesn't matter how fast I go, how far I go....I've learned it just matters I get out and go. Since then, I've hiked in different states, hiked alone, met amazing people in hiking groups both online and on the trails, fallen in a few creeks, taken myself on mini-road trips to find a perfect place to explore, basked in the beauty of nature, slid down icy hills, had a boot or two sucked into mud, have gotten whacked in the face with branches, been blessed with bruises, cuts, sore m…

Use Your Words, November 17th, 2018: Sluts Don't Exist But Assholes Do

Today’s post is a writing challenge. This is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once and all the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the writer will take them. Until now.
At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them. 
I’m using:      chronic ~ focus ~ slender ~ diluted ~ hamper ~ relationship
They were submitted by:  Jenniy from Climaxed

This blog was actually supposed to be up yesterday. However, this week threw me for a loop and I was not at all prepared to have anything post on its due date. 
Earlier this week a person grabbed me, without my consent, and hurt me physically and emotionally. While I immediately expressed I …

Secret Subject Swap: November 9th, 2018

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 9 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
My “Secret Subject” is: You're out hiking in a local forest when you stumble upon a village of small creatures. What happens?
It was submitted by:  thank you Jenniy! 
Here's the thing with me hiking, I would most literally stumble upon a village. No matter the miles I have put on the trail once in a while my sure footing is not so sure and betrays me and I end up bruised in all the oddest places as my body meets the ground at a quicker pace than I ever intended...
It felt like I was in dream when my face collided with the earth, yet....once again, and I cursed myself wondering what was going to be bruised on my body this time. I was not exactly sure what I even tripped over, there was no exposed roo…

What We Need to Know When It Gets Bad: Kindness Keeps Us Here

Hey Rodrigo....where did we go?

That was how I sang Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl for years until my mom was listening to me one day and began laughing hysterically. "Those aren't the words", she choked out, "Who is Rodrigo??" she teased. I stared at her CERTAIN that those were the lyrics because...that is what I was used to singing. A quick check on the almighty Google showed that I was definitely wrong... "Hey, where did we go...." was the correct words to croon after all. 

It is funny how we believe certain things we have heard time and time again and accept it as truth without delving into it. 

Charles Darwin is most notably known for saying that the continuation of our species will depend on how "fit" a person is. Though he is attributed to saying that....Mr. Herbert Spencer was the the originator of that thought process. Today we think of 'survival of the fittest' as those who are in tip top physical shape and well-being. Phy…

Scary Tales of Comforts from the Past: Remembering How Beautiful it is to Let Dead Things Go

When the past comes knocking don't how the saying goes.

And, that is quite a noble thought. Except...what if  you are one of those people who hate to see relationships end and believe the best in others, even if the majority of the relationship was toxic and anxiety ridden? I can tell makes it hard to not want to pull that door open and can we make this better?

Sometimes, we can become lost in our loneliness. In those weird moments of uncertainty while we are searching for ourselves, that loneliness can  urge us to blindly reach out to anything that bears any semblance to comfort, including creatures of the past that have only brought us pain. Loneliness doesn't have a memory for pain. It simply brings anxiety of being alone and would take a known pain over the unknown.  
In my life I have a friend....maybe not even a friend, a confidant might be a better way to describe said person. They can irritate me profusely and they know it. We joke about …

WSPD; Please Stay

We have this weird thing in our culture where we believe in treating our bodies and nourishing our faith (whatever it may be) but when it comes taking care of our minds, when it comes to our emotional health, when it comes to asking for mental help we pause because we know that stigma is still out there. That stupid, asinine, archaic stigma that resides in society that says people who suffer from mental illness are weak. The stigma makes others think that those suffering are faking it, they can just 'get over it', or they can just brush themselves off and keep going. Welp. That's bullshit. We have lost people to suicide who thought they had no other option in this world. We have broken friends and family walking around in soul crushing hazes of grief not knowing how to go on and wondering what they could have done. We have people in our lives right now who are considering if their lives are worth living. We have, ourselves, debated our own worth, found ourselves lacking and t…

The Last Day My Mom Was My Mom

On September 7th, 2018 it will be one year since my mom has passed away. 

One whole year where I have not heard her laugh, held her hand or watched one of her cheesy sci-fi flicks she just absolutely adored. In three short days, it will be a year that I have not had the joy of having her flush the toilet while I was in the shower, mock me for being so serious or feel her gently caress my back after along day and when she got my sigh she jokingly ask what I would do without her.  My answer is the same now as it was then, I don't know ma, I don't know. 

If we're being honest, my mom left me before the year mark. She was gone that Tuesday after Labor Day. The last time my mom was herself was a year ago today. See, when your body shuts down...the person you were leaves until the rest of your shell decides to die off. It's a confusing and weird time for your loved ones to watch you barely  sip water, administer morphine so your body is not in pain, watch you raise your arms a…